My Own Private Universe

Kindness Matters

2012-01-06T21:59:00.000-08:00

I almost messed up today. I was lucky. What saved me was my belief that teachers must be kind and find genuine smiles for children, even when annoyed.

I had a mom bring in cupcakes for her daughter's birthday today. If you know me, you may know that I'm not really a fan of them in the class. They're too sugary, make the kids wild, and it's common to have carpet damage. Lately I've been taking them with us to lunch in the cafeteria, passing them out there, and not fussing around with the whole birthday treat in the classroom issue.

That was my plan when Marisela told me this morning her mom was bringing treats, but mom happened to arrive later than planned. She came right in the middle of our afternoon math lesson...right when I had the kids where I wanted and it was going wonderfully.

Here's where I had a choice to make. I could ask her to just drop them off and wait until right before the bell to pass them out. Or I could invite her and her two toddlers in, pitch the lesson and clean the carpet later. I chose to do the kind thing. I invited her into our class to sing Happy Birthday, watch Marisela share treats with friends and take pictures. Admittedly, I may not have been so laid back if it weren't a Friday afternoon. But it was, and I was.

As the kids ate and got the sugar-sillies, I chatted with mom and I asked her if they had any fun birthday plans this weekend. She told me that, no...this was it. Dad was having bank account problems, and she borrowed money from her sister to buy cupcakes for the class. She gave Marisela the choice of a present or bringing treats, and she chose treats for her classmates.

I'm so glad I didn't turn mom away at the door. I'm so glad I did the kind thing and threw my afternoon plans out the door as I invited mom in. I'm so glad we sang Happy Birthday and mom took those pictures of her birthday girl smiling a huge pink icing smile.

One thing I've learned about teaching kids is that teaching doesn't matter at all unless I genuinely care about the human condition of my students and their families. Kindness matters. It really does.

2011 Family Slideshow

2012-01-01T21:12:00.001-08:00

Goodnight, Honey

2011-12-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Even as she's upstairs snuggled in bed, my face remembers the feel of my Catie's cheeks brushing mine. My lips know the sweet smoothness of her giggling belly as I lace it with raspberry kisses. My palms have memorized the outline of her pajama covered tushie. Hours later I can still feel the silky brush of chubby arms as they wrap around my neck for goodnight squeezes. These things are with me always. These things I know by heart.

My Jaden

2011-12-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

My sweet girl is now a 5-year-old. I love her so much! She's spunky, animated, courageous, and smart. She lights up my very existence. Thank you, Universe for choosing me to be her Mommy.

Memorials

2011-11-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

I've been out driving a lot today, and for some reason I happened to pass a lot of crosses on the road. You know the kind, with the flowers and sometimes balloons or candles...memorials for people who were in fatal car accidents.

I have mixed feelings about these memorials. I don't like to look at them. They make me feel sad, and a little creeped out. If my child or sister or parent died in an accident, I would want to honor and remember them in some other way. And yet...I also like the memorials. Because when I see one, I know that it means someone whose heart is aching for a loved one felt just a tiny bit better placing flowers there. For that person, it gave them comfort.

Today I am thankful that I don't need the comfort of a memorial.

Friday

2011-11-04T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm just thankful for Friday. Because just when you're too tired for students, homework, cleaning, and cooking, and when you think you just can't go on, Friday comes around again. Now here I am, getting ready for wine night with work friends, but before I go I'm going to go hug my girls until they belly laugh!

Breakfast for Everyone

2011-11-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

How many of us have ever been truly hungry? I mean, the kind of hungry where you haven't eaten since yesterday and will probably only eat Top Ramen tonight. The kind of hungry where your stomach burns, and your legs are shaking, and you feel weak and just lay around. The kind of hungry where you will eat anything for breakfast...grapefruit on neighborhood trees, a can of green beans from the back of the cabinet, leftover dill pickle juice.

When people think of hunger, they usually picture children with wasting bodies from Ethiopia. However, with our nation's increasing divide between the haves and the have-nots, there are many hungry children right in your own back yard. For all that we think it doesn't happen, millions of children in our own country go to bed with empty tummies every day.

My new student Joey comes from a troubled family. He's one of 13 other kids, and I guess mom is on her own and isn't doing well. Forget that Joey comes to school every day in the same size 14 shorts, held onto his grubby 6-year-old body with an old shoelace. Forget that Joey has fluff stuck in his curly hair that has been there for 3 days. The thing you should see when you look at Joey are the dark shadows under his eyes, and the tightness of the skin across his cheeks. You should notice that his eyelids droop, and his smiles are slow to come. You should notice him watching me eat my breakfast yogurt.

On his third day in my class, with unshed tears in his eyes, Joey came to me and told me his tummy hurt. "What did you eat today?" I asked. "I didn't eat nothing," he whispered. When I asked him if he just forgot, he said that there wasn't enough cereal for him. I told him he could come eat at school in the mornings, and he said, "I don't have no dollars for that." I gave him one of Jaden's juice boxes and the banana from my lunch. I came to find out that Joey never ate breakfast, and had meager dinners. Joey ate my lunch banana every day that week while we waited for his free lunch form to be processed.

I don't know what's up with his family, but when Joey started getting daily breakfast and lunch, the shadows around his eyes began to fade. His smiles began to come quicker. He began to lift his head up during teaching. Judge his mom however you like...I certainly do. But don't begrudge Joey, who is just a little 6-year-old boy whose tummy no longer aches with hunger. Everyone...everyone... deserves to eat.

Today I am thankful for the Federal Free Lunch Program.

Being Busy

2011-11-02T17:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel so overworked. Long ago, when Kharli and Christian were as little as Jaden and Caitlyn, I was just starting college and it was rough on us. Now, here I am working through my master's program and I'm right back there all over again. Except now, my job is so mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. I never want to look back and say that my children didn't get the best of me. So I try really hard to give them time and attention each day, and that makes me busier than ever.

I could look at it as my life being super-challenging right now, or I could look at it as a blessing. I'm blessed to have these little girls to dress and play with and read with and cuddle. I'm blessed to have a new home to unpack and paint and arrange. I'm blessed to have a job that I love so much that, even when it's kicking my ass, I take a deep breath and start another day. I'm blessed to be able to seek an education, and that my government will aid me in getting it. I'm blessed to have a husband who will hug me when it's tough and be someone I can lean on.

Being too busy for facebook and blogging and phone chit-chats isn't going to get me down. Today, I'm grateful for being busy.

November

2011-11-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

November is my favorite month. The weather is crisp and clean. I can get out my light sweaters and start thinking about scarves. Depending on which trees grow near you, you can watch Autumn change her scarves as well. The world smells like cinnamon apple cider. It's time to start thinking about food, family, friends, and all that we are grateful to have. Today I'm thankful for November.

Uniform Shoe on the Other Foot

2011-08-09T23:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school, and as usual I'm wrapped up in knots. I always get a little anxious the night before the first day, even after all these years.

Last year I was on edge thinking about my grade level switch to first grade. I wasn't sure what to expect, so I planned that first morning precisely. When the morning bell sounded, I opened the door to all those smiling faces and welcomed them in.

I was not, however, very welcoming to their parents. I was friendly, and I greeted them warmly, and then I promptly had their children wave good-bye and I closed the door in their worried, hesitating faces. Truly, I thought I was doing them a favor. Plus, I had all those little squirts to deal with, and that was my job. Not coddling moms.

Well, shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it? I sit here tonight anxiously, not because I'm facing school tomorrow. That's cake. I sit here unable to sleep because tomorrow is Jaden's first day of Kindergarten. She's ready. I know she is. She'll be great.

Except I'm kind of nervous about her getting on the daycare van okay. Even with help, she's never made her way from point A to point B without Craig or I to hold her hand.

Also, she still needs help sometimes in the bathroom. What if she gets in there and can't get her uniform skirt back on right? Are the little 5 year old boys going to see her Hello Kitty panties and laugh at her?

And what about getting through the cafeteria lunch line? She's never had to balance a tray of anything in her hands, much less loose food! Hell, the girl can barely walk across the room without tripping over her two left feet.

And speaking of lunchtime, I have to give her a dollar for lunch tomorrow, and where exactly am I supposed to put that? Is she going to remember what it's for? Her experience with money is limited to Chuck E. Cheese tokens and random quarters she finds in the laundry room. Has she ever even seen a dollar bill? I forget, and I can't exactly wake her up and ask her now.

Her kindergarten teacher is a friend of ours, I trust her very much, and truly I don't feel compelled in the slightest to bug Ms. Jeffrey with my mommy worries and eek out some reassurance.

Yet, as I consider tomorrow morning, I realize that I kind of wish I could peek in the classroom door at 8:00, and watch Jaden's face as she finds her seat. I'd like to be able to smile reassuringly to her, and make sure she feels secure before backing out of the doorway. I'd like to take a picture of her in her seat on her first day of school. I'd like to be the mom for a few minutes before going back to being the teacher.

Oh, my gosh. Did I get it wrong last year? Should I have been more welcoming to parents, and let them hover for a few minutes? Just in case...I'm changing my game plan tomorrow morning. My motto has always been to treat children the way my own children deserve to be treated. Maybe I should expand that to include their mothers too.

Bread and a Little Jam

2011-07-12T23:43:00.000-07:00

I've never told this story to anyone before.

When I was eight, my family lived in the very, very small town of Silver Lake, Oregon. The town of Silver Lake boasted a one-pump gas station, a schoolhouse of four rooms, and just one main paved road right through the center, out of which branched a dozen or so winding dirt roads. There was no supermarket, so going grocery shopping meant an hour drive to the city.

We did have a little corner store that sold a limited variety of staples such as milk, nails, and pastel candy buttons, and it was to here that I sometimes rode my bicycle to pick things up for my mother. I don't think my mom knew how much I hated this errand. Hated it, because I was this timid, shy little kid who hesitated to make eye contact with anyone, including the nice elderly man behind the cash register.

On this particular day, she sent me to buy a loaf of bread. I carefully pocketed the dollar bill she handed me, and set off on my bike. When I got to the store, I parked my bike and winced slightly as the front door tinkled my arrival. I headed to the bakery rack and gently squeezed a loaf of Wonder bread as my mom had taught me. Deeming it fresh enough, I carried it up to the counter where I gazed longingly at the candy buttons behind the glass. Still thinking about candy, I walked out to my bike and headed home.

It wasn't until 10 minutes later, when my bicycle wheels were wobbling up our gravel pathway that I realized I still had that dollar in my pocket! My feet actually froze on the pedals as the horror of what I had done hit me, knocking me over with my bike on top.

Now, let me just pause in the telling for a moment and consider what any other kid would have done in this situation. Would she have biked back to the store and sheepishly handed over the dollar? Maybe, if she was brave. Would she have gone inside and admitted her mistake to her mother? Maybe, if she was honest. Would she have just hid the dollar and taken the bread inside anyway? Maybe, if she was smart.

Me? On this day I was none of those things. I was a panicked little girl whose brain scrambled to come up with the perfect cover-up...one which did NOT involve going back to the store and facing the nice man who had just watched me brazenly walk out his door with my loaf of pilfered Wonder bread.

I decided to get rid of the evidence, and I tossed that loaf of bread into the bushes at the end of our driveway. What was I thinking? Did I think it was going to just magically disappear? Possibly. Panic-stricken eight-year-olds are clearly not the best problem solvers.

So, I went into my house and gave my mom back the dollar, telling her that the store was out of bread. She accepted that with a shrug and began to make soup for lunch instead of peanut butter sandwiches. It was so easy. And I didn't get in trouble. Feeling satisfied with myself, I buried my shoplifting guilt in the back of my mind and went off to play.

It was a short-lived relief, though. That loaf of bread...that stupid loaf of tell-tale bread! Wouldn't you know it? The very next day my mom came rushing through our front door holding up a loaf of Wonder bread! Wow, she exclaimed! Here we were...all out of bread with none in the store, and what do you know? Somebody accidentally dropped a loaf of bread right in front of our house! Was that providence, or what??

We ate our peanut butter sandwiches that day, mine sticking in my throat more than usual. Smiling at me, my mom gave me an unexpected second sandwich just because. And although I had no appetite for it, by God...I ate every bite.

My mom never said anything to me about the bread. I never knew if she really knew the truth or not, and the wondering about that was enough punishment in itself. Coincidentally, my days of shopping went on hiatus for a time. My mom began sending my plucky little sister Jacque, who wasn't scared of anybody or anything...and whatever scrapes she got into, she always brought home the bread.

Memoirs

2011-07-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how all the things presently going on in my life I've deemed either too personal or too boring to write about, I was thinking I'll spend some time writing about my past. It wasn't always pretty, or interesting, but I've loved my life.

"...to understand that a little girl with more courage than she knew, would find her prayers were answered, can that not be called happiness? After all these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind."

Artistic Expression

2011-05-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

Abstract cave art believed to be from the Jadeolithic era. Pigment sampling has revealed that early humans enjoyed soap crayon as a popular medium.

Here we have a family scene suggesting a typical hunter-male pulling around a gatherer-female by the hair...

Although similar paintings can be found in nearby caves, these unfortunately did not survive the erosion inherent to their region.

Thirty-Ten is the New Forty

2011-04-18T22:18:00.000-07:00

So. It's not so bad. Really.

For all my self-deprecation this past week, I actually feel good. I feel like me, same as always. "Age is just a number." That's what they say, right? Besides, Kharli tells me I'm officially a cougar now!

I'm not sorry about entering a new decade of numbers. Numbers are important. Numbers represent more than what they are. When we add together all our hours, our days, our years living on this planet...well, why would anyone want to deny those?

Why would I really want to turn back the clock and deny all those days of being me? Why would I be sad and wish to have those days back? If anything, growing a day older only makes me sad in that it means I have one less day to stick around here.

Being older isn't such a bad thing to be. Yes, I have to be more careful about what I eat. And I have to wear sunblock on my toes. I have to take different vitamins than before. I suppose I have to worry about a whole lot of things I never did before.

But to me, being older just means that I've lived. Good or bad, I've lived. That's an amazing feeling. And I can't wait to see how the next forty years play out.

Happy birthday to me. :)

Caitlyn's Birthday

2011-03-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

This year we celebrated with family at our local park again. It was a beautiful day for a party! Here are some of my favorite photos...

My little kids

and big kids.

Pretty cousins. Told them this wasn't going on FB.

More cousins :)

Jaden feeling jealous of the birthday girl getting so much attention.

I perked her up by taking pictures.

Where did she learn to pose like that?

My girls think they can play soccer...hahaha. Someday, girls.

She really didn't enjoy when we sang Happy Birthday.

Right after I took this, she lunged for me and did the kangaroo thing until we were finished.

CAKE! Caitlyn had been talking about "her cake" for 3 days straight.

I didn't know she made this face until just now...hahaha...I thought we were taking a sweet picture :)

Just doing a little shopping in the park.

Jaden, thinking about which toys to try to swipe later...

My birthday girl

Thank you to all our family for helping make Catie's birthday special! She had a wonderful time, and now it looks like the toy store blew up in our house. She even shares her gifts...sometimes. :)

Happy Birthday, My Catie

2011-03-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

She's 3-years-old today. THREE. My god, I can't believe she's 3 already. The years have gone by so fast...too fast.

I wouldn't use the word "favorite" exactly, because that's not fair to my other kids, or even true. But she has been such a joy to me since the day she was born. Maybe because she was the baby, and I knew she was my last, maybe I was wise enough to treasure her for the unexpected gift that she was. That she is.

It's so amazing to watch her grow. Right now her little 3-year-old self is just a glimpse of some unique person I can only imagine. And although I can't wait to see who that person will eventually be, I wish I could slow these years down just a little.

5 Years In

2011-03-25T05:00:00.000-07:00

When Craig and I married, we just jumped in. We knew we were creating a blended family, and that it would be great at times and challenging at times. We knew that living with each other's quirks would be both pleasant and crazy, life-sucking reality. But, I love him. For some reason, he loves me. So we jumped in.

Most times, I think he's the only one who really gets me. Other times...I think the poor guy hasn't got a clue who I am inside. Still...he's the only one I really let see who that person is, whether he understands her or not. It took me a decade to grow into a woman who could be that vulnerable, but he never lets me down. I trust him with those pieces of me.

Five years later, here we are. Five years of teenagers, babies, laundry, bills, carpooling, and a few hundred spaghetti dinners...here we STILL are. And it's great :)

Happy Anniversary, Craig!

I Knew This Day Would Come

2011-02-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

It's finally happened. Craig and I realized it today when we overheard the girls talking to each other. I'm not sure when it began, but Jaden's been calling her sister "Caitlyn." A lot. I also realized that, more often than not, Catie calls herself "Cait-yin."

Really, if you know me at all you won't be surprised to read that this makes me sad. It kind of breaks my heart. Jaden, and then the rest of us, have been calling her Honey for so long. Ever since she was a baby she's been our Honey.

I didn't realize until now how much this has really stuck with me...how much it's been a part of my interactions with my kids. And I didn't realize how it would feel to let that go. It's so hard to let go of all those little things that keep them babies, even when you know you must.

In one of their favorite books, Bear Snores On, the animal friends talk about making "honey-cakes" and "honey-nuts" for their little woodsy picnics. Caitlyn still eagerly anticipates these parts of the story, interjecting an incredulous "ME??" each time there is ever mention of "honey" anything.

She still listens to the Mama Mia soundtrack over and over just to sing along to her song "Honey, Honey," although that's also being phased out by her new favorite Disney princess songs.

And just last night I accidentally said, "Jaden, honey, what's wrong?" You should have seen Catie glare at me as Jaden exclaimed, "I'm NOT Honey, I'm Jaden."

So I don't think that Caitlyn has completely given up her baby nickname yet. But it's closer than I realized. Soon this era will end. Soon I'll have to let this go.

Still... even if I don't ever say it out loud, I'll be thinking it. She will always be my Honey.

A Roomful of Parents

2011-02-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

It's that time again. Parent-teacher conferences.

Here they come walking through my doorway, a couple dozen moms and dads...nervous about this new type of conference in which we all meet together as a team. Such hopeful expressions, such vulnerability.    It's time to face the teacher, and I can tell that although they don't quite know what to expect, they want so much to do the right thing for their kids. It's hard to be a parent during conference week.

I put them at ease. I tell them how wonderful their children are, and how lucky I feel to have them this year. I smile a lot, and my smiles are genuine.

I love talking to families about their kids, especially when we come together during conferences.   Because at this moment, in this place, every child I teach is the most important person to their parents. The most special...loved beyond reason or explanation. No matter what non-sugar coated information I might need to relate about these kids, I never ever forget that each one of them is some mother's little Catie.

As I walk around and talk, I feel the weight of my responsibility to these families. They look to me for answers. They trust me. They are putting an entire year of their child's education in my hands and whenever I really stop to think about that...well, it's huge and sometimes it leaves me breathless.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.   I have the best job in the world.

where have all the endmarks gone

2011-02-05T22:53:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder if there will come a day when we just dont use punctuation or capitalization anymore kind of a fallout from this new generation of texters they dont even seem to know how to use it and you wonder if they use that as a cover up because they dont know where a sentence ends i think maybe its just laziness regardless i think a well placed comma can make or break a piece of writing to say nothing of a few periods but maybe thats just me

Puzzled

2011-02-04T17:16:00.000-08:00

My girls take after their father :) Caitlyn can put together a puzzle really quickly. She is being unusually patient here, waiting for Jaden to finish so she can have her turn with this one.

More Than Cookies

2011-02-02T21:26:00.000-08:00

Recently I was in my kitchen making a batch of homemade peanut butter cookies. Dipping my fork into the sugar to make those little criss-cross impressions, I smiled to remember doing this often with my mother when I was a young girl.

I really miss my mother. I don't see her much anymore, for a lot of reasons. But I wish I did, I wish that we could get past some of those roadblocks. I think she could really use having me back in her life too.

Those memories of when I was a little girl baking in the kitchen with my mother are some of the nicest I have of my childhood. I guess I treasure them because really they are about something so much more than cookies. Something I wish I could still have.

People Are Awesome

2011-01-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

This weekend Kharli organized a car wash/bake sale for her boyfriend's family. He and his sister are taking care of their mom in hospice, and their dad passed away last week. They're grieving and struggling financially to get by.

When Kharli asked her friends and family for help...they really came through! I was impressed by how many people showed up today to labor for the benefit this family, and by how many others donated their time or money, or both.

It just did my heart a lot of good to see that today...

And to quote Kharli, "People are just awesome!"

Sacrifice

2011-01-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

I love my job. Really, really love my job. I don't even think of it as a "job", but more as a lifestyle. I get up every day and go do my thing. And it makes me happy.

But still, for all that, working is necessary. We can't afford for me not to earn a paycheck. It's not even something to consider.

I hear and read about a lot of other women who claim that they sacrifice so much so that they can stay home with their kids.

I think it's women like ME who are sacrificing. I'm not willing to not have a family just because I must earn a living, so I reluctantly send my little girls to daycare.

Daycare sucks.

Daycare gets the best of my girls. While I'm away teaching other people's kids, I don't get to nurture, teach, or care for my own. That's a sacrifice. I'm putting all my hopes into the idea that I can make up for that in the evenings and on weekends, but it's the biggest gamble. You don't get do-overs if you screw up the first 5 years.

I think being a mom is THE most important thing a person can be. Moms who stay home by choice, whose lifestyles can make that happen, are so lucky. So they give up nicer cell-phones or highlights or whatever. So what.

I give up something I can't even put into words, and it breaks my heart.

Another Year Gone By

2011-01-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

I hope your year was as full of love and family as ours.

Happy Holidays!

2010-12-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

We had a really whirlwind holiday season this winter. I was so, SO busy that I never took the time to
blog about it. I regret that now because this is going to be a looooong post! Just scroll through to the things that interest you :)

Jen and Billy came again for Thanksgiving, and we all enjoyed their visit!

Jaden greets Aunt Jen...

Caitlyn was shy for awhile, but she had a big sister to comfort her...

When she warmed up, Caitlyn had fun playing with Uncle Billy. I think he knows her game...

Craig and I with the girls. Yes, that's a purloined cat toy in Catie's hand...

Jaden loves taking pictures...

I was disappointed that Kharli had to work on Thanksgiving and Christian went to his grandparents' house. It doesn't feel right when they're not around, but I know they're growing up and that happens. I hope as they get older and start their own families that we will all be able to meet in one place instead of having to choose.
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Hanukkah came early this year...it kind of snuck up on us, so we missed lighting the menorah for like, 4 nights. That's okay, I guess, since we don't know the prayers anyway. But even as a shiksa I really enjoy the menorah, so I swear I'm going to make up my own prayers! I will make them really good ones too. Like, "We light this candle to honor those who give selflessly to others throughout the year."

On the eighth night of Hanukkah...

Jaden and Caitlyn fully participated in decorating the tree this year, at least they think they did. Kharli and I had to go move all of Catie's ornaments when she wasn't looking because she put all 10 of them on the same branch. Their favorite thing to do every evening when we came home from school was to turn on the tree and sit near it. Each day without fail Caitlyn exclaims, "Yook! It's a twismas twee!!"

Reading by tree light...

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My sisters and I took all of our kids to the studio to have portraits done as a Christmas surprise for my parents. It was no small undertaking. It was quite an ordeal to coordinate, and I had a hard time dealing with a terribly shy Caitlyn, but overall it turned out to be kind of fun! It was funny, because I think the teens are all getting old enough to be embarrassed by the family ruckus (which THEY cause, by the way) and I am getting old enough to not worry about it anymore. Shoe's on the other foot, Kids...hahaha. They were great that day, and we got some nice portraits.

The whole bunch...

Can't get them to be serious for anything...

Caitlyn's not in that shot because she was busy doing this...

My four...

Number 1 and Number 2

Number 3

Little Number 4. The best she'd do.

Cousins and friends...

So pretty...

Afterward, they all went outside to the courtyard and hammed it up. I like these even more!

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One Saturday Craig took Jaden to see a Willy Wonka gingerbread house, complete with chocolate river. Jaden was amazed, and she got to see some Oompa Loompas too!

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One thing this year that I really enjoyed was our staff Christmas Party for the kids. We had a potluck, games, crafts and treats, and a book gift for each child. Jaden and Caitlyn had a really, really good time. I hope we do it again in years to come.

Hanging out waiting for the festivities...

Musical "dots"...

Painting picture frames. Yes, my kids are wearing trash bags!

Sugar cookie decorating...

Another Bear book...

Up past bedtime...

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At their school, the girls were in the annual Christmas show. It was performed in the chapel, which was weird for Craig, but he held up nicely with minimal eye-brow raising at the "Jesus is Lord" posters. But then, I drank manischewitz at our wedding. A little tit-for-tat makes the world go 'round, right?

This year the theme was Noah's Ark. Jaden was a kitty cat, Caitlyn was a monkey, and I thought those choices were VERY appropriate. We couldn't believe it when Caitlyn's teacher actually got her to go up on that stage and sing with the crowd. Amazing. She made it almost all the way through her group's song.

Here are a couple of videos. They manage to capture the chaos of this event quite well. Watch, but stand warned: I'm NOT the greatest videographer, especially when Caitlyn was pulling on my arm during Jaden's song.

Jaden singing "Away in a Manger" and "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore"...

Caitlyn singing"This Little Light of Mine"

Well, sort of singing. She'd kind of had enough of the spotlight by then...

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On Christmas eve we went to Jacque's house for dinner. I got to be in charge of appetizers this year and it was the most fun I've had cooking in years. Forget turkeys and pie...I only want to make apps from now on. Anyway...as usual it was loud, and people ran around, and people got silly. Some cried, some laughed, some yelled. All in all, a successful family gathering!

I love my family. My nieces and nephews are all getting so big...it's nice to see how time and circumstance are shaping them into real human beings. Sometimes I get so busy caring for the little girls and keeping them from breaking things and each other that I never quite get to enjoy my family as much as I'd like. So if any of you are reading this...I love you!

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Watch for the Disneyland post and the yearly slideshow :)

Filling the Hole

2010-12-21T23:51:00.000-08:00

This time of year always makes me wonder about people. Everywhere I go people are shopping. Partying. Eating. Joining in on all kinds of Christmas cheer. The social networks are all abuzz with glad tidings of one kind or another. All my favorite bloggers are wrist-deep in writing about their wonderful holiday activities.

And me? Well, this year my holiday spirit seems to be eluding me. You would think that my Christmas apathy would indicate a depression or something. But I'm not depressed...far from it. I'm as content and joyful as I usually am. I feel happy pretty much every day.

So, why is it that while I once adored Christmas-time, now I can only muster a half-hearted "eh, whatever"?   It's not that I don't like Christmas...I do. It's not that I'm broke and can't afford to partake of the mass commercialism around me...I could. It's just that, I don't really feel like it.

Going shopping and buying gifts just doesn't satisfy me the way it once did. It doesn't fill me up inside with gladness. It's become a chore I fulfill so that others don't worry about me. I mean, can't you just hear it? "Dawn's boycotting Christmas...Christmas! Can you believe it? What's wrong with her? Is she okay?"

Lately I've been wondering if people in general use the holiday season to fill something inside themselves that needs filling. Some emptiness of the soul that only they can name. Maybe it's a simple desire for love, or family time, or food. Maybe it's a more complex need to compensate for secret feelings of inadequacy.

I see people all around me who appear to use gift-giving as a way to declare their own value. As in...I love you the most, therefore I buy you more. Or...I work very hard, therefore my family deserves all this.   I think everybody has a hole of some kind to fill within themselves, and some people are so desperate to fill it that they just keep buying things.

For me, when I do have those feelings of an emptiness in my soul, it usually comes from lack of time and energy. I want to give more of that to my family. So I fill that hole inside myself whenever play with or read to my little girls, or go to the movies with Kharli, or discuss the intricacies of life with Christian, or chat with Craig in the after bedtime quiet.

When I started paying attention to my feelings this season, I noticed that I was very blah about shopping and buying things. I walk past it all without even a tiny spark of desire, and that part of it just left me feeling emptier than before. I was even worried about myself a little.

Then I realized all the things that have made me very happy in the last month involved people and events. I loved visiting with my husband's family during Thanksgiving. I loved seeing my girls singing their little holiday songs on stage. I loved going with my sisters to photograph our huge clan as a surprise for our parents. I loved taking my girls to our Christmas party at work. Those things satisfied me in a way that gift-giving isn't doing anymore.

Next year I'm going to try something new. I'm only going to give experiences, or give you something that cost me more time and energy than money. So maybe we will go to the ballet together, or the movies, or the roller derby. Maybe I will make you some cookies, or a beaded necklace, or a photo calendar. Just remember, it's not me being grinchy. It's me filling my hole.

And maybe, just maybe, if I give you something of more value to me, I will fill your hole too.

This is Why..

2010-12-17T22:27:00.000-08:00

This is why I LOVE being a teacher. Friday morning just before Winter break...it's foggy and drizzling against our windowpanes, but we are happy and warm inside. My kids are laying on the floor in their PJs and slippers, watching the Polar Express and drinking peppermint cocoa with whipped cream.

It doesn't get any better than this. I have the best job in the world!

Happy 4th Birthday, Jaden!

2010-12-11T23:05:00.000-08:00

I can't believe she's already four years old. I feel like every time I blink she gets a little bit older, taller, smarter, prettier. I love this girl SO much!

On the day she turned four, Jaden loved...

singing in the car at the top of her lungs

dressing head-to-toe in fluffy princess things

having deep conversations about the "whys" of life

narrating our highway rides home

snuggling in our bed in the mornings

bossing around and tattling on her littlest sister

loving and hugging her family

eating fruit with every meal

lying her pants off about the smallest things

taking flying leaps off the sofa arms

sassing her mommy

telling anyone who will listen how much she loves them

I'm so grateful to have had another year of my Jaden!

It's a Great Day to Be a Princess

2010-12-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Kharli, Jaden and I had a girls afternoon out today and went to see Tangled.

Jaden loved it! She spent the last 15 minutes praying for them to get married. I thought it was really cute, and yes...I cried. Shut up.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

One thing that I really love about Thanksgiving Day is hearing people tell who and what they are thankful for. That's my favorite part of this day.

I've already done that in this blog; here and here. My life and my happiness are pretty much the same as they were then. Plus, as far as sentiment goes, I doubt there's any way I can top my husband this year.

So blog friends, I'll just leave you with this thought. Remember that happiness isn't about having everything you want. It's about wanting what you already have. Keep reminding yourselves and your loved ones about how special they are even after the turkey is gone, because true gratitude is an everyday feeling.

I'm not rushing out to buy cheaper electronics tomorrow, or standing in line for anything. I'm going to snuggle with my little ones, have coffee and chat with my big ones, and smile knowingly across the room at my husband.

My life is good, just the way it is, and I feel blessed every day. I hope you do too :)

Cannonball

2010-11-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

Would it hurt, do you think, to step away from that straight and narrow line? That path you've chalked from here to there, that direction really going nowhere? Don't you ever want to curve away, from the predictable design?

It's a leap of faith, true. But we have faith in so much we can't see. We can't know what will or will not be. And at the end of your self-prescribed path, what is left but to come back the same way?

Aren't you curious at all, to swan dive off the edge? To close your eyes and take a chance, to land somewhere unplanned?

It doesn't matter that your line is rainbow hued and bright. I can see the ruler's edge underneath, it's unforgiving linear groove. I can see the places worn so thin that to step there would be a trap, with iron jaws and teeth that bite.

I'll help you if you allow. I'm already there, but I'll come back. Take my hand and close your eyes.

Cannonball off the side.

Their Heaven

2010-11-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

A lonely woman. Smiles as she lays in her bed dying. A life alone, a love denied, and she tells herself gratefully that it was all worth it. So she peacefully goes without burdening a soul, least of all her own. She takes her last breath and the lights go down on her empty room.

A family man. Smiles as he lays in his bed dying. A lifetime of love and memories follow him to his sleep, and he tells himself gratefully that it was all worth it. His chest rises and falls once more, as the lights go down on the tear-streaked faces of his children.

A lonely woman. Opens her new eyes to a heaven of her own creation. Tears of regret fall like rain as she lifts her face to gaze into the nothing, alone forever, but for a single outstretched hand.

A family man. Opens his new eyes to a heaven of his own creation. His practiced smile shines through the clearing rain and his heart swells to appreciate the beauty all around. Through the mist he notices a sad, lost woman who reminds him of one he once knew. Kindly, he offers a hand.

A timid smile, a silent assent, two hands clasp again. Yet who was saved and who was lost, in the heaven of their own creation?

30...Picture a Lost Friend

2010-11-18T19:51:00.000-08:00

I lost a good friend four years ago tomorrow. This is my dog Sasha. I miss her every day, but I imagine that in Dog Heaven she is happy and well :)

She was the best dog in the history of dogs. I hope she knew that.

29...Picture My Babies

2010-11-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

This picture always makes me smile. Jaden jealously decided she wanted to squeeze in for some Mommy lap, but once there she couldn't stop smiling at her new baby sister. I love my sweet little girls!

28...Picture a Fear

2010-11-16T19:53:00.000-08:00

What am I afraid of?

Highway car accidents. This fear doesn't hinder my driving, although Jacque calls me a "timid driver" so she might disagree. But at least I'm not afraid of heights or spiders. Somebody's gotta be the one to climb ladders and brush cobwebs off the ceilings. I'll gladly take THAT job and let other people be Masters of the Road!

Do You Ever Feel...

2010-11-15T22:00:00.000-08:00

a little hollow inside? That you are temporarily used up? That you need some rejuvenation of the non-caffeinated variety?

Do you ever feel that you have to put on an artificial smile, lest they are all on to you? Do you wear that smile so brightly that even you forget you put it there on purpose?

Do you ever feel that you are just being a counterfeit version of your best self?

I do, sometimes.

27...Picture a Son

2010-11-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

My son Christian and I, who hates having his photo taken so much that I always have to resort to uploading special occasion pictures of him. He drives me crazy sometimes but I love him :)

22...Picture a Loser

2010-11-15T21:39:00.001-08:00

This is my favorite book...

Loser by Jerry Spinelli. It's a children's book, of course. But hey, I stopped apologizing for loving children's lit long ago. Loser is one of those books I sometimes read that stirs the writing beast in me. Reading it makes me desperately love writing, and yet loathe it at the same time. I wish I wrote this book. But...somebody else did, and that sucks.

It's about an odd little boy who doesn't realize he's different, although everyone else does. He's an outcast who doesn't know...yet. His time is coming, though.

I love stories about underdogs. They make the best characters.

22...Picture Serenity

2010-11-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

I wish I were better at staying calm. I have fire in my blood, I can't deny it. I have to work really, really hard to bank my temper and quiet my mind. I am not always successful.

26...Picture a Blessing

2010-11-14T15:23:00.001-08:00

Something that meant a lot to me was bringing home a healthy baby 4 years ago.

Jaden, my little emergency baby born early by cesarean. We didn't know it then, but Jaden and I were both fortunate to have come home that day.

25...Picture My Day

2010-11-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday morning. Craig took Jaden to Little Gym, and I'm home with Caitlyn, keeping her busy as I finish my lesson planning for next week. I have to crank this out quickly so I can go to my niece's 16th birthday barbeque this afternoon. School is important, but family is more so. This is my weekly Saturday juggling act :)

24...Picture School Lunch

2010-11-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

Something I wish I could change is what our nation feeds kids for school lunch, and I love what Jamie Oliver is trying to do with reforming school lunch. We have become a nation of pre-diabetics. Our kids eat crap most of the time, and we've become so used to it, we don't even realize it anymore.

What's worse is we are allowing the government to feed crap to our kids and we're not even paying attention. Most parents have no idea what this food is; where it comes from, how it's prepared, what the nutritional balance is. Some parents believe that their kids aren't eating the garbage simply because they don't participate in the "free lunch" program, although in reality all kids eat the same thing, free or not.

We need to educate ourselves about this issue, and then make a stand and demand better for ALL of our children. Join the revolution!

21..Picture My Head in the Sand

2010-11-09T21:43:00.000-08:00

This is supposed to be about something I wish I could forget. Okay, here it is...

Something I wish I could forget about is No Child Left Behind. The idea is noble, but sometimes the implementation of it really sucks. And honestly, I will never understand how the government can just take away our budget, and parents can do whatever they want or don't want, and still I am held accountable for the fallout? I could get all eloquent and passionate here, but what for? Nobody wants to read that, and since I'm trying to "forget about it" that's all I'm going to type. :)

20...Picture a Getaway

2010-11-08T21:43:00.000-08:00

I would really love to travel to Ireland. I have always dreamed of going there since I was a young girl. It requires a loooonnnng plane ride, though, so I don't think I'll get Craig to go. But maybe I'll go with a sister, friend or daughter someday. Someday.

19...Picture a Love Letter

2010-11-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

This is a love letter written by Kharli when she was 3.

I think it reads,

            "Dear Mommy,

             You are the greatest Mommy in the whole wide world and I
             love you sooooo much!

             Love,
             Kharli"

18...Picture Insecurity

2010-11-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

My greatest insecurity is not the size of my tush or the size of my bank account. Nor is it the age of my car, my furniture, or myself. My insecurity is hard to put a picture on and say, look...there it is!

I am not very insecure. I guess I have reasons to BE insecure...things which might make other people insecure. But really, my only insecurity is the thought of blowing my chance of being the best person I can be. So I always have to keep reminding myself to grow, improve, adapt, and be a better ME. But I worry I might not be able to accomplish that in the next 40 years.

17...Picture the Bigger Picture

2010-11-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Something which has made a huge impact on my life lately is Arizona's education budget cuts. Not just in my teaching life. My position is pretty secure. I don't care about ME. I care about my children, and the millions of children whose educations are affected.

I'm not even listing reasons why anymore because I've found that nobody really wants to hear about it. Nobody wants to know about it. Most people just don't want to know how things really are.

It's easier for them to pretend rather than to admit participation in what we're doing to ourselves here. People are happier to continue driving their SUVs and buying their silly junk and overpriced clothing before they will spend it on the education of children here.

A lot of people are really stupid about where the money comes from and where it goes, and why it's crucial to not cut it. I give up on trying to talk about it.

But I swear, the day is coming when this will all come back and bite us in the ass. When our state is flooded with undereducated 20-something year olds...where will we all be then?

16...Picture Inspiration

2010-11-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

It's hard to narrow down inspiration to just one person. From Laura Ingalls-Wilder to Eleanor Roosevelt to Oprah, there are so many people I admire and by whom I am inspired. However, I guess I'd say that I am inspired by Alice Paul the most.

I'm not an activist, nor am I especially outspoken. And while I can be passionate in my own way about things I believe in, nothing I ever do in this lifetime will compare to what Alice helped do for me, and my daughters, and my daughters' daughters. That kind of legacy is amazing to me. It's her great desire to affect change no matter the cost which I find so inspirational. I am in awe of people like Alice Paul.

15...Picture a Dream

2010-11-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Something I want to do before I die, WAY before so I can enjoy it a little, is to write a book. It doesn't even qualify as a bucket list item because it's a bigger dream than that. Here's to big dreams, and making them come true...

14...Picture a Sister

2010-11-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot imagine my life without a handful of sisters to love. Here they are in my second favorite photo of all time. I think one of them stole my MOST favorite. Too bad, because whoever she is may have preferred it to this one. Paybacks are a bitch, biotches! :)

This is how I always think of them...as goofy teenagers. Don't you love it? And Jac, I photoshopped that I-was-at-a-party-last-night stamp off your hand. You're welcome.

13...Picture Coldplay

2010-11-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

My favorite band. Not in a swoony, gushy, giggly way. I just really, really love their music. It makes me happy everytime I play it.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T23:13:00.000-07:00

Halloween has always been one my my favorite holidays. I just love costumes! In high school, before I decided to become a teacher, I daydreamed about studying theatrical fashion design. I pictured myself heading off to Broadway with a needle, a glue gun, and my imagination.

Well, that didn't happen. So I lived the dream vicariously through the big kids' Halloween costumes. Every year I made their costumes, from designing, to sewing, to embellishing. Those are some of my best memories. It's tougher now with the little kids, being a working mom. But while I don't have that kind of time or energy right now, I hope to get back to it soon.

To Trick-or-Treat or not? That was the question. You know how I am about candy. How do I take my little ones from door to door and then not let them have their spoils? So we decided not yet, but next year for sure. They had so many fun things to do, though, they didn't even miss it.

At the pumpkin patch, looking for that perfect pumpkin...

This year the girls wanted to be Disney princesses. Here we are posing before heading off to the Little Gym's Halloween Party.

Here's our little Tinkerbell...

And our Ariel...

They had a great time at the party, although Caitlyn had to do the routine sitting out and being shy for 20 minutes. Once she got into the swing of things, she was all over the place. We might have to sign her up for Little Gym soon!

On Halloween Day we made cookies...

Then we carved our massive pumpkin. Well, I carved and the girls gave me pointers.

Happy Halloween!

12...Picture a Love

2010-10-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

What do I love? I love going to the bookstore! I love walking in the door to a million books as far as my eyes can see. I love the cozy chairs and soft lighting that beckon me to come in, sit a spell, and lose myself in another world. I love the scent of coffee brewing, and the knowing that it will be there waiting. I especially love to walk among the shelves, running my hand along the books lined up like chocolates, each with some mysterious center, and trying to decide which I will taste first. I love knowing that any of them can be mine.

11...Picture Hatred

2010-10-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

What do I hate? Hatred itself. Intolerance of any kind just makes my heart hurt.

10...Picture My Screw Ups

2010-10-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

This is who I do the most screwed up things with...

Okay, so really...I can't think of anyone. I spend my time either keeping people or getting people out of trouble, not getting into it. Lame and boring.

9...Picture a Friend

2010-10-29T20:41:00.000-07:00

This post is about the "person who has gotten me through the most." As I look back on my life over the years, I have to say that Melody is that one person who I truly counted on. Here's an old-school photo from 20 years ago!

There were several periods of my life, from 16 to about 25, when I just really, really needed a good friend. Someone who cared about me. Someone who was wiser. Someone besides my mom and sisters to listen and understand me, and to just lend a helping hand once in awhile. Being Kharli and Christian's grandma, she was always there for them, of course. But she was there for me too, even after she wasn't my mother-in-law anymore. So even though I have a new MIL who I love, and she has a new DIL who she loves, and I don't see her very often anymore, it doesn't negate my memories or feelings. She will always be that person in my mind and heart who I remember as the one who had gotten me through the most.

8...Picture Me Laughing

2010-10-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

What makes me laugh? Cavemen!

They get me every time. :)

7...Picture My Treasure

2010-10-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

This is my most treasured item...

It represents being the first, but certainly not the last, of my generation in my family to go to college. It stands for a breaking away from the expected finality of a high-school education, of a longing for more than is offered.

It represents a transcendence of class, of seeing beyond the boundaries of socioeconomics and daring to believe that achievement is possible. It stands for the overcoming of stereotypes and the refusal to be denied.

It represents years of dedication and hard work. It stands for countless hours of study after putting my kids down for the night, and then working until dawn in order to finish papers and projects. It stands for cleaning the homes of other people to make ends meet, and for all of my sisters and parents pitching in at one time or another to babysit as I took night classes.

It represents a surpassing of expectations for a once-teenaged mother. For myself and for all those young girls like me, who nobody ever thinks will amount to anything. For those girls who are balancing on the tightrope between adolecence and adulthood, and who walk that line with only a dream and a prayer.

Education is a treasure in and of itself, but an education that changes a life is the greatest treasure of all.

6...Picture Drew

2010-10-26T00:04:00.000-07:00

So, if I could trade places with someone for one day, who would it be? This was really, really hard. I like being me. I never actually wished for someone else's life. But, for just a day, this is whose life I'd like to try on for size...

I love Drew! She's cool, she's fun, she's hip. She is young at heart yet acts her age. She never compromises her ideals, and does what she wants. She made some odd-ball movies during her teen years, but she's grown into an amazing actress. So, yeah...she can take-over my ordinary life while I step into her shoes for a day :) I can dig that.

5...Picture Attitude

2010-10-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

This post is supposed to be about a "favorite memory." Okay, well, a could upload dozens of pictures of any of my four children being born, or my wedding day (oh, wait! hahaha) or our family vacations. And those are all wonderful memories. How can I choose just one? So...I'm going to forgo the obvious and share this memory instead.

Yes, it's from my wedding day, but no, it wasn't a happy thing. This is when I decided to steam my wedding veil 30 minutes before showtime. As you can see, there was a little mishap with me and the steamer. Things like that are a big deal for brides, you know! Well, I cried for about 8 seconds. But then I got a grip, laughed a little and went back to drinking champagne. I put that veil on and wore it with my beautiful dress and took lots of pictures! I like this memory because although it's only a small thing, it shows what I'm made of.

4...Picture Wine Tasting

2010-10-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

My Saturday night...

Laughter, vineyards, wine-tasting, grape-sneaking, vintage-choosing, game-playing, all-day-with-just-the-girls fun!

3...Picture Friends

2010-10-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

This is my ALL TIME favorite show. If I had to watch only one show a day for the rest of my life, I'd watch Friends :)

As an added bonus, here are some of the best clips of Friends. Watch, you know you want to...

Watch Friends Clips

2...Picture Kharli

2010-10-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

My daughter Kharli is the person in my life that I've been the closest with the longest. Everything I like about myself is mirrored in her, magnified by ten, and enhanced with her own special uniqueness. She is everything I wish I could be. I love her with all my heart.

1...Picture Me

2010-10-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Here I am "working." :)

1. I'm at school because, even though we're on break, I'm dedicated.
2. I'm blogging right now because, even though I'm at school, I'm easily distracted.
3. I just went back and fixed commas in my first two sentences because I love punctuation and insist on using it correctly.
4. Number 3 makes me a bit of a nerd, and I'm okay with that.
5. Right now I'm listening to Coldplay...my favorite band of all time.
6. I hate wearing shoes and just kicked them off my feet.
7. I love coffee, especially the Mocha I'm drinking inbetween keystrokes.
8. The word keystrokes just made me giggle because my inner child is a 12 year old boy.
9. I'm having 80's flashbacks because iTunes just switched to the Go-Gos.
10. I gotta go dance across the room before "Our Lips Are Sealed" is over...

See ya!

I Don't Get It

2010-10-19T14:06:00.000-07:00

I love my husband a great deal, and one of the things I dig about him is that he's a sports fanatic. Every sport, all NY teams, every weekend. And that's just the pro stuff, don't even get me started on his college teams. He's all guy that way, and I get that. I even like it.

But what I don't understand is the number of women who are as into football as my man. I know that makes me sound hopelessly gender-biased, which I'm really not, but my girlfriends who scream at the TV and play the football pool and look forward to Sunday because the games are on? I don't get them.

I just don't understand why they like it so much. What's the pull? What IS it about football that makes them light up like that? Am I missing something?

I've been told that it's sexy for a woman to be into sports. That hats and jerseys on girls are cool. But really...unless that girl's doing a football jersey strip tease after the game, what's so sexy about it? Truly, I'd rather be reading, or baking cookies, or listening to music, or watching reruns of Friends...all very nice past-times that may or may not lead to sex just much as football watching.

Don't get me wrong, though. I do like sports...some of them. I like hockey and baseball a lot, and enjoy going to those games. I think it's cute when my husband buys our girls NY team jerseys. And I really want our girls to play sports as they grow up. Sure, I'll be the mom on the sidelines reading a book, but hey...I'll be there.

I have this vision, years down the road, of my daughters sitting on the couch on Sundays with their dad, shouting and cheering over some televised game. I have a feeling there will be many weekends to come where our girls play games on Saturday, and watch them on Sunday.

And me? I'll probably still be sitting here shaking my bewildered head as I bake cookies and blog.

Butterflies vs Ants

2010-10-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

Educators love maxims. We have a motivational saying for every circumstance you can imagine. Each year at my school we adopt a phrase that expresses our commitment and ideals. This year it's,

"If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies."

Pretty. Motivating. And true, or at least I think so. I love this motto. Who wouldn't aspire to be as beautiful as a butterfly? Who wouldn't identify with the idea that change can be scary, yet liberating all at once?

Today I saw a very pretty butterfly, but unfortunately I wasn't inspired by it much. It happened to be dead ( I hope it was lucky enough to be dead) and its carcass was being transported on the backs of a trail of ants.

Ants. Now there's an insect that nobody writes motivational maxims about. But the more I considered that, the more I thought...hey, I'd be an ant over a butterfly any day.

Ants are never lonely. Ant colonies are huge, and if you are a member, you automatically have 100 relatives and friends who've got your back. Ants stick together. Go try stepping your foot on an anthill and see what happens.

Ants learn what works, and then perfect it. They don't waste their time devising more elaborate tunneling systems. This gives them more time to plan ahead for the things that do matter.

Every ant has a job, understands it, and excels at it. Ants don't give up...they don't even know what it means to give up. It's a physical impossibility that ants can carry the heavy loads that they do. I personally think ants do the impossible simply because they believe in themselves.

I never saw a butterfly with that kind of fire. A butterfly's days are filled with floating about, happily sipping a little nectar, and napping all alone in some flower garden without a care in the world.

So, while butterflies and flower gardens are lovely, ants are the true dreamers. I think I'd rather be an ant.

Attemped Refuge

2010-10-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Our girls go to a preschool at a church. Today when I picked them up from school, Catie lagged behind a little as we walked out to our car. She wasn't much interested in the car ride home, I guess.

She stood watching some people coming in and out of this door to a building I'd never been in before. I thought she was right behind me, but when I turned to take her hand, she was bolting down the pathway, heading for that door. She almost made it when I caught her.

As I carried her away crying, some of the people standing around were laughing at us and pointing above our heads. Puzzled, I glanced up to see the huge lettering above the church doorway Catie almost went through.

It read, "Sanctuary."

1 Confession

2010-09-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

My confession is... I cry whenever I hear this song...every single time. Being a girl is a treacherous thing. I would like to go back and counsel my 15-year-old self.

"When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now.
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen."

2 Emotions That Describe Me Today

2010-09-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

Even after Starbucks this morning....

Dripping with children, mine and others', but happy.

Not delirious, though, and looking forward to Fall Break like nobody's business!

My Elephant in the Room

2010-09-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been 3 weeks and even though I still can't talk about it aloud, I think I can tell the story now. It usually makes me feel better to write about things when they bother me, but sadly, this time I don't think I'll feel better. I predict that shooting this elephant will only make me feel like crap, and you too, probably.

Jaden fell in the pool at a family barbecue over labor day weekend. Maybe you know this story by now, or know the euphemized version anyway? It's not a nice story.

We had a big family party at Jacque's house.   Grown-ups were milling about, teens were lounging, and all the kids were jumping in and out of the pool. The only two who can't swim yet are the youngest...mine. So they still wear floaties and require constant supervision.

Craig was sitting with Caitlyn while she ate, and I was in the kitchen talking to Jaden at the door. She had her floaties off and I didn't want her running around outside without me, so I was on my way outside. Then one of my sisters asked me a question so I turned away to talk to her. I turned away. It was my fault.

A minute later I heard Melody screaming, "Get the baby, get the baby!" I spun around in horror, knowing what I would see through the glass door before I even saw it. There she was... fully clothed beneath the surface, flailing her arms and kicking with all her might, but sinking down quickly.

The pool was surrounded by people in and out of the water, but nobody was trying to get her out, because nobody even realized she'd fallen in. It was that quick. Kharli's friend Carolina actually did see the fall, but she thought Jaden could swim and had jumped. She didn't realize Jaden was drowning before her eyes. Nobody did.

I don't remember running around to the far end of the pool, and I don't remember seeing Craig jump into the water to get her. She had been pulled out by then by Carolina, who heard Melody's scream. I do remember Craig and I both hugging our coughing, sputtering little girl and staring into each other's eyes with a mixture of terrified relief.

I have always been hyper-vigilant about watching over my kids, to the point of being considered over-protective. So what was I thinking to turn my back and walk away from her? I guess I was thinking that everyone knows she's not a swimmer, and that she was surrounded by family.

In my family, we have a "village" view when it comes to kids. Everyone watches out for everyone. So I guess I thought if Jaden wandered near the pool, her closest aunt would tell her to come away. That's what the village members do, right? Except maybe being in a large crowd is actually more dangerous, because everyone thinks that everyone else is paying attention.   Maybe sometimes having a village leads to a false sense of security.

The scariest thing, the "what if" that really haunts me, is that if Melody hadn't seen her fall in, nobody would have known. What if she hadn't come that day? What if she hadn't looked up at just the right moment? Then I would have been chatting with my sister about tile floors while Jaden drowned in the pool 20 feet away.

Not that I blame anybody but myself. It was my fault, mine alone. I was the one who was supposed to be watching her.   I've been told that afterward I sat, white as a ghost, hugging my child for a long time and staring off at nothing. I kind of remember people talking to me, but I couldn't tell you what they said. I just kept thinking about how close we came to losing her because I looked away.

Years ago, I saw a little puppy run out into the street and get hit by the car in front of me. The scene didn't look how I expected it to. I expected to drive up and see a puppy lying in the road. What I saw was that scared, hurt little puppy kicking her back legs wildly as she died right there in front of my eyes. For years the memory of that poor puppy kicking as she died was burned into my mind.

That's what I thought of when I saw Jaden sinking down in a flash of bright blue sundress, kicking wildly even as the water swallowed her last tendril of floating hair. I will never forget that image. When I have nightmares about this day, that's what I see.

Jaden is fine. People tell me over and over, Jaden is fine. Still...I shoved that blue sundress to the bottom of the laundry hamper. I can't look at it without feeling sick. I hate it now. And sometimes I hate myself too.

That's where I am right now, and why I can't talk about this. If anyone wants to comment here, okay. But if you see me, please don't talk to me about this. As much as I appreciate your intentions, I will change the subject. I just can't. The elephant might be dying, but it hasn't closed it's eyes yet.

3 Turn-Ons

2010-09-25T23:43:00.000-07:00

In anyone...

People who like themselves.

People who laugh easily.

People who work to make a difference.

4 Turn-Offs

2010-09-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

In more than a romantic way, these qualities really put me off of people...

People who complain. All. The. TIME. God, I can barely keep my eye-rolling in check when I have to listen to people bitching about everyday things that happen to us all.

People who are selfish. My head and my heart hurt to know that so many people out there care so little. If you would begrudge a hungry kid a free peanut butter sandwich just because his mom is poor, or lazy, or on drugs, or illegal, or a teenager, or just not perfect...shame on you. There's no excuse. There's no good reason why it's okay for you to be a selfish ass. Share your pie and be happy you have some to share.

People who have nothing nice to say. Really, if a person can't make pleasantries, or smile, or find a silver lining somewhere, I have no use for them.

People who are intolerant. This is OUR planet. Whoever, wherever, whatever...we are ALL special and important.

Happy Birthday Christian!

2010-09-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

Another child of mine is not-a-teen now! Golly, I feel old. Did I just say "golly"? Now I feel older!

On the day you were born, all I wanted out of life was some Burger King chicken tenders with honey sauce. Really, is that too much for a 10 day overdue preggo girl to ask for? My torture-happy doctor had other plans when I checked in with her. Three hours later...boom! There you were. I vaguely recollect it. Ask Aunt Rhonda, who was there to quarterback this amazing, UNmedicated event. In the future, whenever you have cause to be annoyed with me, go do a home experiment with a basketball and your turtleneck sweater. Then hug me and bring me some chicken tenders.

6 Things I Wish I HAD Done

2010-09-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this topic is supposed to be "Six things I wish I had never done." Seemed pretty okay until I sat down to write it on Tuesday, then Wednesday, then today when I realized...I am never going to write this. The thing is...I don't think I even have 6 things. Plus, the ones I do have are way too personal, so I'd probably gloss over them and list a bunch of silly things. And if I'm not going to be honest, then what's the point?

So here are my things I wish I HAD done in my life, sort of like missed opportunities. Maybe I will have another chance someday.

I wish I had seen the Louvre when I lived in Germany. Paris was so close. So close. Why didn't I go? Who goes to Europe and doesn't go to Paris? *sigh* That's a big one.

I wish I had started a birthday tradition with my big kids. Now that they are adults, it's easy to fall into the routine of never having a routine. I would have liked them to grow up and tell stories to my grandchildren that started with, "Every year for my birthday, Mom would always..."

I wish I had taken more pictures of myself with all of my kids. Years behind the camera, rarely in front, and now I have so few photographed memories. I am working on that one.

I wish I had stayed in touch with old friends. Craig is really good about keeping in touch with everyone he grew up with. Each of my sisters has at least one really good friend that they've stayed friends with since High School. Friendships from your youth are precious, and I let mine go without realizing it. It's a shame.

I wish I had started using sunscreen in my 20s. Wrinkles and freckles and skin cancer are scary things we never think about when we're 18.

I wish I had learned more about nutrition and education when Kharli and Christian were little. They're both very smart and fairly healthy, but I think more B vitamins and antioxidants at age 5 could have rocked their worlds.

7 Things That Cross My Mind a Lot (Every Day)

2010-09-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I just said that out loud.

Coffee sounds so great right now.

Oh my god, quit bitching and just do it.

What can I make for dinner tonight?

Jeez...Can I really afford this?

If only people cared more...

I probably shouldn't eat this.

Dinner Conversation:

2010-09-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Me: Jaden, you have to eat your meat. (pause, then giggling) "How can ya have any puddin' if ya don't eat your meat?!"
Kharli: I know that! Where's that from...Where's it from?
Me: Think hard...think very haaaaaarrrrrdddd.....
Kharli: Um...I KNOW it...it was a song, right?
Me: Bang your head against the WALL and it will come to you.
Craig: (rolls eyes)
Kharli: I dunno. Do we have any pudding, though?

8 Ways to Win My Heart

2010-09-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

Love puppies

Play with other people's kids

Stop for ice-cream

Listen to my stories

Pretend to understand me

Hold my hand

Stand up for me

Take me as I am

9 Things About Me

2010-09-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

1. I hate manicures and pedicures. I don't want that kind of pampering. Only recently I've been comfortable having my hair done.
2. I don't like to shop. I avoid the mall like a disease.
3. Because of numbers 1 and 2, you might think that I'm not a real woman. Think again.

4. I eat mostly fruits and vegetables, and I love them more than any other food group.
5. I love to dance, although I'm not great at it. I look forward to dancing at every opportunity.
6. Because of numbers 4 and 5, you might think I'm fit and slender. Think again.

7. I cry over everything, from misery to joy to nostalgia. Reading a motivational quote or seeing a commercial might make me cry.
8. I hate conflict, and worry over other people's feelings. I'm definitely a "blue" personality.
9. Because of numbers 7 and 8, you might think I'm weak. Think again.

10 Things I Want to Say to 10 Different People Right Now

2010-09-08T23:00:00.000-07:00

In no particular order...

Kharli...I would LOVE it if you took up the grocery shopping full time. For real.
Christian...Hair in the bathtub=rinse them down.
Jaden...Stop being so dramatic. It doesn't have any affect whatsoever, so it's all just wasted energy.
Caitlyn...Brace yourself little girl...you're going in training panties this weekend.
Craig...We need a real date night, not a friend night. We haven't had one in like, 3 months! I want to go to Sapporo's!
Jacque...really bummed about the trip being postponed. Wine with sisters is just what I need right now.
Rhonda...you need internet if you are EVER going to read this. Oh, if only you had an idea of all the times I've written about you.
Carolina...thank you SO much for grabbing my kid! I can't think about that for too long.
Ashley...ditto! Plus, I need my hair done. See you in a week.
Cleo...get your butt out of my face. VERY unattractive, and after 10 years, you'd think you would have picked up on my distaste for your butt by now.

Hmmm. I could go on, but that's 10 :)

Blogging Fun

2010-09-08T22:57:00.000-07:00

I got this idea from one of my blogger friends. I don't usually go for the premade lists, but this looked like fun. I'm enjoying reading hers, so maybe people will like mine. Come back every day for the next topic :)

Day 1..Ten things I want to say to 10 different people right now.
Day 2... Nine things about myself.
Day 3... Eight ways to win my heart.
Day 4... Seven things that cross my mind a lot.
Day 5... Six things I wish I'd never done.
Day 6... Five people who mean a lot to me.
Day 7... Four turn offs.
Day 8... Three turn ons.
Day 9... Two smileys that describe my life.
Day 10..One confession.

Dear Kharli,

2010-09-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to tell you what a difference you have made in my life over the last 22 years. You were a very early, surprise gift, but you were the best one I have ever received. Being your Mom has been the best thing I've ever done with myself.

When you were a little girl, I worried all the time that I wasn't going to be able to give you all that you deserved. Maybe another family could have done it better...wiser. Maybe.

Well, here we are, two decades later.   And it's true, I haven't been able to give you everything I'd hoped to. But despite all that, you turned out to be such a fantastic person. You have grown into exactly the young woman I always hoped I'd raise, and I love so many things about you.

I love how you push yourself to become what you set out to. No matter what gets thrown at you, you keep going. You bitch and moan, cry a little, but then when many people would give up, you persevere.

I love how passionate you are. When you believe in something, you go all out. You have such determination, and I admire that.   You will do great things one day, I'm absolutely certain of it.

I love how kind and accepting you are. Where others only spread intolerance, you hold out a hand. You are gracious, and thoughtful, and friendly to everyone. This is my favorite thing about you.

I am so glad you are my daughter, and I thank my universe every day for giving you to me, and I hope I'm worthy of that gift.

I love you!

♫...Everywhere I Go-Oh, People Wanna Know-Oh...♫

2010-09-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

Here we are, finishing up the third week of the new school year, and I've been asked every day how I like my change to 1st grade.

So, I've been debating on whether I should let people into my thoughts, or just lay low. I feel kind of sheepish, as if I'm being braggy when I say how well things are going. And I'm pretty good at laying low, but that gets boring quickly. So, envy me or be happy for me; here's the real deal.

I think I can safely say it's going fantastically! So far, so good, and I'm pretty happy :) I love my kids. LOVE them! I am thrilled with my kids. My favorite thing about this age is they are so pliable. They just eat up everything I say and do, and look forward to more tomorrow. They are believers. I tell them they're smart and wonderful, and they bust their butts all day to live up to that.

They ARE work, though. I had many a warning about how tough it is to teach first grade. And I DO work hard, all day, every day. Sometimes I can't figure out how I will do all the little things I have to manage to do. There is just no down time...ever. EVER. That's been the hardest part for me.

That said, I really think I'm doing an awesome job. I think I'm pretty good at managing a classroom of 26 six-year-olds. It just seems to come naturally. Maybe I should have been here all along.

However (and there's always a disclaimer, huh?) IF you just happen to see me after a long day, and IF I start whining about my tough job, please resist the temptation to rub it in!

Happy Birthday tooooooo....Youuuuuuu!

2010-08-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my wonderful husband. I am so looking forward to sharing every other birthday together in this life.

Blue Genes

2010-07-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

Craig and I have spent the last three years wondering how we ended up with two blue-eyed daughters. He half-jokingly calls them the pool boy's kids because his own eyes are as chocolate brown as they come.

I thought I had it all figured out from the two weeks we learned about genes in my college biology class. I learned back then that hazel and green are parts of the blue-eyed gene, so a person with hazel eyes(me) has a 13% chance to have a blue-eyed child if she gets it on with a blue-eyed carrier(Craig). Having TWO kids who were a 13% shot is, like compounding percents ...too much math for me. But I'd been thinking we should play the lottery with those odds.

So anyway, now it seems that the old beliefs about recessive blue-eyed genes are not altogether accurate. The recessive inheritance works the same way, but now there's some more juicy tidbits. I'll spare you a LOT of super-smart sounding, scientificy mumbo-jumbo about genomes and the blue-eyed gene, and just give you the interesting parts.

A gazillion years ago, everyone had brown eyes. Scientists discovered a genetic mutation that causes blue eyes, and that it came from one person a thousand years ago. And they now believe that people with blue eyes have a single common ancestor.

Also, get this, people with hazel eyes like me are just freaks in general, because they are a further mutation of the blue gene. Hazel eyes can't decide if they want to be brown or green so they shift around, helped by a genetic mutation that allows them to do so.

So...here is my conclusion. All three of my girls are mutants, and Christian and I are mutants to the 2nd power. The only normal gene pool around here is Craig.

He knew this all along, I bet.

Supermom

2010-07-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

Today I went grocery shopping and Caitlyn came along for the ride. I know she's only two, but I enjoy her company a lot. Especially in the grocery store because she loves food, so it's easy to entertain her.

As we go up and down the aisles, she likes to "hold" all her favorite things in the cart with her. Today she had several things piled around her, with a pint of blueberries and huge bag of steamable broccoli front and center in her lap.

So anyway, there we were...walking around in the produce section while Caitlyn "reads" her packages,

"B-r-o-c-c-o-l-i. Dat's broccoyi! I YIKE dat broccoyi! B-l-u-e-b-e-r-r-i-e-s. Dat's byou-bewies. B and B!"

Then she she started counting all her packages as she dumped them in the back of the cart, and asked to go to aisle number 4.

I looked up from my shopping list to a crowd of people all staring at us with their mouths opened wide. Without pausing a beat I said, "Um...yeah. So dat broccoyi makes you pretty smart." and walked away laughing to aisle 4.

Those people looked at me as if Caitlyn was some kind of genius toddler and I was some kind of Supermom. Not really. I mean, Catie's great and all, and it DID make me proud that instead of all the junk she could have asked for, she chose two of the top 10 superfoods to hug to herself. But still...it was just some freak of the space-time continuum that those people happened to see her showing off everything she knew all at once.

I did walk away a little taller, though. Today's Supermom status might be temporary, but I'll take it. Way to represent, Catie!

Best Ad Campaign Ever!

2010-07-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

So. Damn. HILARIOUS!

Admit it...that was the best two-and-a-half minutes of your day! And there's more where that came from...

http://www.youtube.com/user/Sienna

American Girls

2010-07-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

Next week while we're in New York we're going into the city and taking the girls to The American Girl's Place. I'm so excited! I've been reading the American Girls books for years. I came once before to the Manhattan store years ago when Jacque and I took a trip to New York City. It was so cool. I can't wait to show it to the girls.

I know they are still very young and don't know the difference. But regardless of whether either of them will "remember" going here years from now, I still think it's important for them to experience life's many joys.

I know a lot of people would argue that things like this are wasted on toddlers or preschoolers. Some people might think that it's a waste to spend time doing things like dressing up for Halloween, or going to Disneyland, or even going to the Zoo with toddlers. People would argue that they don't get it, and will not remember anyway.

I just think that every single thing you do with your child, from the monumental to the insignificant, has some kind of effect on who they grow up to be. I want my kids to grow up and not ever remember a time when we did NOT do these things. I want them to look back and see photo albums of themselves being a part of our family and a part of the world from the day they entered it. They are here on this planet, and deserve to really BE here.

So next week we are going to choose Bitty Babies and get photographed with them, and take them to tea. And yes, it's overpriced for what it is, but I don't care. My girls are going to have an awesome day and I will be there to remember it for them.

Room 23

2010-07-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

This year I am going to be teaching First Graders, so I was moved to a new room in a different building; Room 23. My principal gave me a choice of several rooms to move to, and 23 was my choice.

There are two things I particularly love about my new location. For one, it faces the street, and there's a rather large patch of shaded grass outside our door. I'm pretty excited about that. And here's the other thing... Room 23 was Mary's room.

Its been more than a year since Mary passed away, and I hadn't ever gone back to her room until now. I've spent the past few days cleaning, unpacking, and organizing in there. Getting a feel for my year ahead.

Sometimes when I'm at home thinking and planning for this teaching change, I get a little anxious. I just really want to do a good job, and I know I can, but I'm an over-analyzer. When I get to school, though, I just feel calm. It's like I go in my room and everything gets clear. I relax.

I sometimes think of Mary as I'm working. Maybe it sounds silly, but I feel her there with me. Not in a literal sense, just in my mind. I remember things she used to do with her kids, and things she said, or advice she gave me.

Yesterday I had this great idea to make buckets of math tools for the tables and call them "toolkits." I was halfway though putting them together when I realized this was Mary's idea from years ago. I'd forgotten all about that.

Today I was sorting though some phonics card games. I came across a picture sequencing game and I wondered how I could use it with younger kids. Then a picture of Mary using it in certain way just popped in my head, and I thought...Yeah! That's just what I'll do. Then after a moment I flipped the box over and sure enough, there was her name printed neatly in Sharpie, always at an angle, always with that distinctive, perfect Q. Funny, out of the 10 games I sorted that was the only one of hers still left.

So do I think she was really there? No, not really. I don't believe in that. I believe her soul went on to a better place, but that her spirit lives on in all of us whose lives she touched.

I was thinking about this today and I realized that nobody is ever gone, not truly. We all affect lives every day in one way or another, and when we're gone, those memories speak to people. Mary may be gone, but my memory of her is guiding me.

All this year, I've been troubled by worries about leaving behind my girls if anything should ever happen to me. But today I felt that maybe I would be able to start letting that go. I'm beginning to understand that even if I did have to leave them, their memories of me would speak to them years from now. Memories long forgotten would still be there when that perfect time for remembrance came. Then I would be there, if only in their minds and hearts. It's something, and it gives me comfort.

That's the lesson I learned today in Room 23.

My Bomb Shelter

2010-07-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

I guess everybody has a mental list of things they'd stockpile in an underground bomb shelter. It's too gloomy thinking about the end of the world, so let's just say...if I had to stock a Biosphere 2 shelter for a one-year human experiment, here's what I'd include.

I would be SOL because my all-time favorite foods are cereal and fruit. I'm thinking milk and fruits and veggies would spoil quickly.

I'd have to have a huge barrel of instant coffee. And instant wine. Oh, what the hell...I can probably just get real wine.

Board games. Like Life and Monopoly that have a bajillion pieces and take hours to play.

Handheld Yahtzee.

A LOT of books. I'd say some kind of eReader, but bomb shelter rule #1 is that you are cut off from civilization. So I guess that includes internet.

Notebooks, to write or make lists in. And a Polaroid camera to document my rise to Yahtzee fame.

A potty chair with an automatic incinterator switch, cause there's no way I'm bagging anyone's waste for a year.

Some puppies. Can't go wrong with puppies. And an incinerator for the puppy poop.

Oh, and some food and water and candles and stuff.

I Believe In...

2010-07-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

*the sound of motorcycles.

*trying new beauty products.

*helping spiders escape

*letting music lift the spirit

*tomatoes warm from the garden

*bubble baths with wine

*proper spelling

*caffeine highs

*keeping secrets

*making time for chit-chat

*children's literature

*hiding from conflict

*kids playing outdoors

*metabolic programming

*seeking the good in people

*playdoh

*the ellipse and comma

*positive self talk

*sisterhood

*complimenting strangers

*praising

*giving the benefit of the doubt

*taking a chance

*falling, and staying, in love

*making lists

*sharing my mind and heart
*being happy

Overheard

2010-07-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

At a department store yesterday, I happened to be in the dressing room next to a mother and her two daughters who were all shopping for dresses. This is a bit of their conversation I overheard...

Mom: Hmmm, I don't know. I like it, but maybe I'm getting too old for this style.
Teen Daughter 1: Mom, stop. You're not old at ALL! You're beautiful! And you really look so good in that color.
Teen Daughter 2: Yeah, I like it. It's a good length and shows off your legs.
Teen Daughter 1: And Dad would love it.
Mom (laughing): Okay, okay. Let's get it.

Isn't that sweet?

To My MIL

2010-07-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I just really wanted to take a minute and thank my mother-in-law for raising such a great man. I have four kids. I know, really KNOW, how much love, time, and effort goes into mothering kids that grow up to be good human beings. Her son is the most wonderful husband and father!

He is loving and affectionate. He's the kind of guy who holds my hand across the car console or when walking down the street. He's the kind of guy who reaches out to hug me as we pass each other in he hallway. He watches out for me and protects me.

He is kind and generous by nature. He will bring me flowers or my favorite pint of ice-cream, just to see me smile. He has his grand gesture moments too, but he gets a kick out of doing little things to make me happy.

We don't argue a whole lot, but when we do, he is a fair fighter. He has a way of explaining his side of things and always tries to not hurt my feelings. He would never call me names or try to make me feel bad. He's not a doormat, though. He doesn't let me boss him around.

He is a really good Daddy to his girls. He does all the things that I do, and is a partner in every way. He's thoughtful and patient with his girls, always putting their needs first.

My husband is the kind of man that all moms hope their sons will grow up to be. So I just wanted to say thank you, Ellen :)

Class

2010-07-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to dinner with Craig's family at The Phoenician Resort's very fancy steakhouse.   There were hordes of classy, wealthy-looking people there. At one time in my life, that would have made me shrink in my seat just a little. Because although I've been to many upscale places over the years, it's only recently that I've begun to grow comfortable around people with money.

I think that discomfort goes way back to when I was a little girl. Financially, I guess you could say we were an impoverished family.   We didn't have a whole lot of material things.

We usually had the necessities, but truthfully there were times when we didn't have even that.   I remember hard times when we really had to stretch the grocery budget. My parents worked very hard and never once took welfare, so we made do on our own. I remember times when I'd wash my jeans every night because I only had one pair, or times when I'd take noodle soup in a thermos to school every day for lunch, or times when our after school snacks came from whichever fruit trees in the yard were ripe.

When you grow up poor...really poor...it affects the way your mind thinks. Very young kids don't know any differently, but as you get older an awareness of the world opens your eyes. You learn that everything other people have is something you don't. You begin to understand that everything you want in life will probably never be, and anything you see is something you will never have. And you begin to question your place in the world.

Some people grow up bitter, others grow up driven to succeed. I grew up shy but resilient.   Shy because I knew I was out of place just about anywhere I was. Resilient because I learned to accept what was, even as I strived to improve my future.

But I would not change my childhood. I think it made me strong on the inside. I'm glad I didn't always get everything I wanted. I think people who do never learn to appreciate life. They don't learn to bounce. Sometimes things are wonderful, and sometimes I struggle, but through it all I appreciate what I have, and I'm happy and secure with my life.

So after decades of learning to be happy with myself, the shyness has almost melted away. I still feel a twinge now and then, but mostly I feel comfortable in my skin. I figured out that money is just...money. It doesn't make you a better person, it just buys things. If you have a lot, then you can buy a lot of things. If you have a little, then you can buy less, but so what? A $40 steak and a PB&J all come out the same in the end.

What a person does with the space they take up on this planet, and how they treat their family and how they treat strangers and the world...that's the measure of who is important and who is deserving, or not. Having more things doesn't make a person more entitled to the air they breathe than me. Once I realized this, I began to relax around people...whoever they are.

Still...I can't help but I wonder if on the inside I will always be that poverty-stricken little girl I was growing up. Sometimes she's there beside me, looking scared and feeling out of place. Sometimes she is more comfortable making chit-chat with the waitstaff than with other diners. I just hold her hand and tell her to smile and breathe, and that we're okay. Most of the time she believes me.

View From the Back

2010-07-16T23:35:00.000-07:00

Well, after 12 months of rear-facing in her carseat, and 15 months of extended rear-facing, we have turned Caitlyn's carseat forward. We probably could have squeezed a few more months out of it, but it was a compromise with the Arizona sun in summer. It's okay. I'm glad and proud that we kept her rear facing all those extra months.

We have been lucky that we've never been in an accident with Catie, but if we had then rear-facing would have been soooooo much safer. I won't get all preachy right now, but if the situation applies to you, you can learn more at car-seat.org. :)

Catie had been so used to looking out the window during our drives that when we finally turned her around she was so happy. Here she is enjoying her family in a whole new way.

And another "last first" goes down in the books :) Happy Carseat Graduation Day, Honey!

ABCs; the Reprise

2010-07-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

Not to be outdone, Caitlyn has recorded a follow up to last summer's smash hit "Jaden's ABCs". So once again, the little sister steals the spotlight...

Mommy disclaimer: Those black marks are soap crayon. I do wash the bathtub occasionally.

Regret

2010-07-14T17:46:00.000-07:00

I know a woman who spends a great deal of time torn up by things she regrets, and this keeps her from living a happy, peaceful life. When I stop to think about it, I think a lot of people really wish they could have a handful of do-overs.

I've never been that kind of person. I regret very, very few things in my life. Yeah, I've screwed some things up along the way, and my life sure hasn't been perfect. But I think that my mistakes and choices have made me who I am. I've learned from all my experiences, and along the way have turned into a person I really like. So if I could have a do-over, it wouldn't be spent on fixing any of my choices, or correcting any of my big mistakes. But there IS something I did that I would take back if I could.

When I was in high school, I broke up with my best friend. We were really close friends and had been for years. She knew me in ways that my other friends didn't, and had always been good to me. But as we were nearing the end of our freshman year, I had finally figured out that she wasn't really that cool in the eyes of the other people I wanted to like me.

I didn't even discuss it with her. I cowardly sent her a note in science class, and watched her face crumple, and then her eyes tear as she read my note ending our friendship. I wasn't gleeful. I didn't intend to be mean. I just wanted out. So I left her, and she was alone.

She went on, living her life and eventually found other friends to spend time with. But I think what I did damaged her. Being a teenager in high school is painful enough without having your best friend dump you. For a long, long time I'd catch her looking at me from across a room with this barely concealed hurt written on her face.

I guess compared to other stories, mine seems small. It was a defining moment for me, though. It was the first and only time I ever treated somebody meanly for shallow reasons.

About this situation I am deeply ashamed, but I can't undo it. I wish I could talk to the confused fifteen-year-old girl I once was, and tell her all I've learned about what is important about friendship and life, but I can't. I wish so much that I could go back and undo this cruel thing. But I can't.

What I CAN do, is try to be a better person now. Really, isn't that all anyone can do?

You Ready?

2010-07-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite commercial! Seriously...I get all misty-eyed every time it comes on. It's a "mommy thing" I guess, because when that happens Craig just looks at me with this quizzical expression, then shakes his head and walks away.

What I love about it is the double meaning of the phrase at the end, "Are you ready?"

See what I mean?

Sister Love

2010-07-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

You know, I think they really do love each other. Really.

They're by turns best friends and constant rivals. They bounce ideas off each other. They check each other's moods before reacting to something. They play together and fight together.

Sounds like true love to me :)

...dotdotdot...

2010-07-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

My girls have a thing for Mama Mia. I mean, a real THING.    We're a bit strict with the TV, so they get one show a day. They usually choose Barney, Sesame Street, Blue's Clues, and.....the movie version of Mama Mia.

Ever since they saw this movie, they've been convinced that ABBA's song "Honey, Honey" is really an ode to Caitlyn, so we sing it to her all the time. Craig even bought the soundtrack to calm their crabby car rides home in the afternoons. Amanda Seyfried is some kind of superstar in their eyes.

Anyway, one of the things Jaden has started doing is quoting bits of the dialogue. Until now, it's been fairly tame. That is, unless you know what "dot, dot, dot" means.

So this morning Jaden and I were talking about going swimming in the pool later with Caitlyn and Craig.   She was really excited and she ran to tell Caitlyn, "Honey! We're going swimming later! Daddy's going to swim, and Mommy's going to swim, and......dot dot dot!"

I burst out laughing, but oh...Mama Mia!