Filling the Hole

This time of year always makes me wonder about people. Everywhere I go people are shopping.  Partying.  Eating.  Joining in on all kinds of Christmas cheer.  The social networks are all abuzz with glad tidings of one kind or another.  All my favorite bloggers are wrist-deep in writing about their wonderful holiday activities.

And me?  Well, this year my holiday spirit seems to be eluding me.  You would think that my Christmas apathy would indicate a depression or something.  But I'm not depressed...far from it.  I'm as content and joyful as I usually am.  I feel happy pretty much every day.

So, why is it that while I once adored Christmas-time, now I can only muster a half-hearted "eh, whatever"?   It's not that I don't like Christmas...I do.  It's not that I'm broke and can't afford to partake of the mass commercialism around me...I could.  It's just that, I don't really feel like it.

Going shopping and buying gifts just doesn't satisfy me the way it once did.  It doesn't fill me up inside with gladness.  It's become a chore I fulfill so that others don't worry about me.  I mean, can't you just hear it?  "Dawn's boycotting Christmas...Christmas!  Can you believe it? What's wrong with her?  Is she okay?"

Lately I've been wondering if people in general use the holiday season to fill something inside themselves that needs filling.  Some emptiness of the soul that only they can name.  Maybe it's a simple desire for love, or family time, or food.  Maybe it's a more complex need to compensate for secret feelings of inadequacy.  

I see people all around me who appear to use gift-giving as a way to declare their own value.  As in...I love you the most, therefore I buy you more.  Or...I work very hard, therefore my family deserves all this.   I think everybody has a hole of some kind to fill within themselves, and some people are so desperate to fill it that they just keep buying things.

For me, when I do have those feelings of an emptiness in my soul, it usually comes from lack of time and energy.  I want to give more of that to my family.  So I fill that hole inside myself whenever play with or read to my little girls, or go to the movies with Kharli, or discuss the intricacies of life with Christian, or chat with Craig in the after bedtime quiet. 

When I started paying attention to my feelings this season, I noticed that I was very blah about shopping and buying things.  I walk past it all without even a tiny spark of desire, and that part of it just left me feeling emptier than before.  I was even worried about myself a little. 

Then I realized all the things that have made me very happy in the last month involved people and events.  I loved visiting with my husband's family during Thanksgiving.  I loved seeing my girls singing their little holiday songs on stage.  I loved going with my sisters to photograph our huge clan as a surprise for our parents.  I loved taking my girls to our Christmas party at work.  Those things satisfied me in a way that gift-giving isn't doing anymore.

Next year I'm going to try something new.  I'm only going to give experiences, or give you something that cost me more time and energy than money.  So maybe we will go to the ballet together, or the movies, or the roller derby.  Maybe I will make you some cookies, or a beaded necklace, or a photo calendar.  Just remember, it's not me being grinchy.  It's me filling my hole. 

And maybe, just maybe, if I give you something of more value to me, I will fill your hole too.