Going With the Flow

This past weekend we had a huge family party in the park for Caitlyn and her cousin Nathan. You know, I'm pretty laid back about those kind of things. I don't typically get upset when things don't go just so. Heck, I'm the one who called time-out during my wedding ceremony to go retrieve the ring from my little wayward ring bearer. I have that immortalized in photos and video, and if that isn't the epitome of "laid back", I don't know what is.

Still...I had an idea in my mind of how nicely this day was going to go, and my little girls just didn't cooperate with me. They were a little crabby at times. Jaden didn't want to leave the bounce house long enough to take a picture with me, and Caitlyn wouldn't leave her little "I'm One" hat on so I could get a picture of that either. I even dressed them in coordinating outfits so we could get some pretty spring shots in the grass too. But they just wanted to play instead of sitting still for that. Imagine. Plus, it was windy. Warm, but REALLY windy. So we flew kites, and all the table decorations I planned to set up were left in the box.

I told my sister Jacque that I was going to take Caitlyn home, wash her dress, and set her up at the kitchen table with balloons and her "I'm One" hat. I said I wanted memories from the day. This is the last first birthday and I had nothing to show for it. She reminded me that of course I had memories of this day. We were having FUN. The kids had a great time. And if Caitlyn's cupcake melted and she pulled off her hat and threw it into the bubble solution, well...so what? Those are my real memories.

So, I don't have much to show in the way of pictures. I guess they're in my head, and you know what? My sister is right...they're perfect.

Talking Over Coffee

This was my conversation with Jaden on our way to school this morning.

Starbucks barista: Can I have your name for the cup?
Me: Dawn
Barista: say that again?
Me: (louder) My name is Dawn.
Jaden: Yoo name is Dawn?
Me: Yes, Mommy's name is Dawn. What's your name?
Jaden: Dawn?
Me: No, Ja-den. Your name is Jaden.
Jaden: Da-den!! Dawn?
Me: Dawn is Mommy's name. Mommy's name is Dawn.
Jaden: Mommy Dawn.
Me: That's right!
Jaden: Honey Dawn! Daddy Dawn!
Hap-beeer-day tooyew, Daaaaawwwwnnnn. Hap-beeer-day, tooyew!
Me: Thanks, Jay. Happy beer day is right.

Happy Anniversary

Today is our anniversary! I will never forget my happiness on this day 3 years ago. Every day since has been a blessing to me, and I'm grateful to have them all. I love you, Craig!

Happy First Birthday, Caitlyn

My Little Number Four
Somebody knew I needed you,
that my life wasn't complete quite yet.
Somebody didn't listen to my reasoning,
and decided now would be the perfect time.
Somebody knew you were ready too,
and together we would be
the one thing I never knew
I needed.


A Year of Caitlyn

1 Day

1 month


2 Months


3 Months

4 Months

5 Months

6 Months

7 Months

8 Months

9 Months

10 Months

11 Months

One Year Old
Happy Birthday, Honey!!!

The Night Before

One year ago tonight, we were getting ready to meet our Honey in the morning.

I had a hard time sleeping, knowing that I was just 10 hours away from being able to hold her on the outside. Craig and I stayed up late, talking about our dreams for this little baby, what she'd be like, and who she'd grow up to be.

Another Chocolate Story

Some people probably think I'm kind of a freak about not letting my babies taste the sweeter things in life. If you are one of those who think I should relax a little, then this story is for you!

Last year Easter Sunday fell on the weekend right before Caitlyn was born. I was ginormous and uncomfortable, but still I took Jaden to our family's egg hunt in the park. Being only one, I didn't want her eating candy yet, so her eggs were empty. I figured the colorful plastic shells were treat enough.

Inevitably, she opened one of the eggs and it wasn't empty. There was ONE Hershey's kiss rattling around inside, and Jaden popped it in her mouth, foil and all, before I could stop her. You should have seen her eyes light up! The sugary explosion caused streams of chocolate drool to pool in the corners of her mouth. Me? I scooped as much as I could out with my fingers, and held her hands far away so she couldn't lick her fingers. I was pleading with my sisters to bring me the baby wipes, but they were too busy laughing their asses off.

After that, she kept opening her empty eggs...it was a little sad.


Ever since, I have slowly introduced small bits of other sweet foods, but never candy. NEVER candy for an entire year. Right up until....now.

This weekend I took Jaden shopping at Target and as we went through the check-out, I tossed a Snickers bar up on the counter with her new shoes. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite. She heard the crackling of the wrapper and asked me hopefully, "Crackers?" Um. Okay, I went with that. "Mommy's crackers." I told her. I couldn't believe she actually bought that.

After I clicked her in the carseat, I stupidly set the bag beside her. (Can you see where this is going? I didn't...I am an idiot.) The carseat rear-faces, so I couldn't SEE her, but I could see her head moving around. We talked and she seemed in an extremely good mood. It wasn't until later that I realized she wasn't talking or singing as much as usual. Apparently, her mouth had been too busy.

When we parked at home, I opened the back door to discover Jaden covered in chocolate. In our 10 minute drive home, she had devoured that entire Snickers bar. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. Around a mouthful of nuts and drool she happily exclaimed, "Mommy crackers!"

Here is Jaden in all her glory. She looks a little comatose. Could be the sugar shock, I guess, but we also discovered later that overdosing on chocolate produces a laxative effect.

The irony that this weekend marks the anniversary of the Hershey kiss incident has not been lost on me. And I'm sure this will be used against me at our egg hunt this year. I suppose I'll probably let her have a jelly bean or two. Or maybe even a Peep. I mean, her little two-year-old body is no longer pure. I always knew chocolate was the "gateway" candy.

Happiness Bubbles

If I had any speck of talent, I think it would be awesome to be a photographer, because I just LOVE witnessing the happiness of others.

Like when a new mom cradles her baby, and you look into her teary eyes, and you can tell all her dreams have only just begun to come true. Or when a person crosses a stage to receive a piece of paper, and you realize they are also crossing a divide. Or when you watch somebody place a ring on the finger of his cherished love, and promise to hold her hand until his dying day. I'm telling you, I live for these sappy moments!

Tonight we went to an engagement party for a friend of ours. I watched the engaged couple hold hands, whisper to each other, and raise their champagne flutes to the well wishes of their families.

As I watched the bubbles fizzing in my glass, I thought to myself that happiness is a lot like bubbles. When fed, they multiply. If you touch them with a bare finger, they die out. But if you touch them with another bubble, they combine and grow stronger. And if you are lucky enough live inside one, everything you see is magnified and glowing.

So tonight we shared somebody else's happiness bubbles for awhile, and it was an honor.

Time Machine Dreams

At dinner last night Craig was talking about what Jaden was like as a baby, and we were both feeling slightly nostalgic about her baby days. I started thinking how nice it would be to go back in time to visit her for a day. Just to lift her baby weight in my arms and rub my cheek against hers. To take a bubble bath with her, and cradle her in my arms.

Then I stared thinking about all the days in my life I'd love to revisit. NOT to re-do, because I'm not about that. I'm very much a person who believes that every experience I've had or choice I've made have all led me here, to this one place. And I like where I am. So, if I had a Time Machine, here are some periods of my life I'd like to live again, exactly as they were.

I want to go back and relive the day when I was in first grade and my dad came home with a new two-wheeler bike and taught me to ride without training wheels. I can still hear my dog Scuffy's yip-yapping as she tried to keep up with me zooming up and down the gravel roads when I finally got the hang of it.

I would like to relive that snowy Winter in Oregon when I was a little girl. My family seemed so happy. My sisters and I had snowball fights in our front yard and made snow angels. On days too cold to go out, I'd read my Little House on the Prairie books, and my mom would let me help her with the baking. I will always remember smell of her bread as it came out of the oven, but I'd love to go back in time and eat some more.

I want to hang with my teen-aged sisters for awhile. We could fight over beauty products and try on each other's clothes, and gang up against our mom. We could tell secrets and laugh together, or go find some harmless trouble to get into.

I wish I could hold Kharli as a baby again, and hear the sound of her baby voice cooing and babbling. I want to see her blond ringlets curl around my fingers as I brush them. I want to pick her up and lift her high above my head and see her smile down at me.

I want to visit Christian when he was 4, and make some mud potions in the back yard. I'd ruffle his hair and cuddle him and talk to him about dinosaurs or Merlin or Legos. We could read before bed and I'd sing, "My Darling Child" as he fell asleep in the bottom bunk.

I'd like to go back and see one of Kharli's dance recitals. The year of "Austin Powers" and "Once Upon a December" was a pretty good one. It would be fun to do her make-up and ballet bun, and smile anxiously with the other dance moms as the girls run through their dress rehearsal.

I'd like to go back to the weekend I took Kharli and Christian camping with my family on the North Rim. I want to feel those rocks under my sleeping bag, and eat Christian's charred marshmallows, and help Kharli bait her fishing hook. I want to smell the woodsmoke from our campfire as I watch them laugh and play with their cousins.

It would be awesome to relive the day we went snorkeling in the coral reef off the coast of Key West in Florida. I remember how it felt to nervously let the kids swim away from me and know they could use their gear alone. I remember how the aqua-blue waves rolled us up and down as we held hands and smiled around our snorkels, squinting at the sun.

I'd like to walk across my college campus and buy a cup of coffee, and make chit-chat with people. I'd wander through the flower borders and hide-out from passing professors. I could feel again the hope and idealism that all college students feel as they cross the divide and begin their new journeys.

I'd like to go back to when Craig and I were first dating. Our early dates were fantastic as first dates go, and then I'd get to kiss him again for the first time. We could hold hands and ask "what if" and dream about possibilities. I'm still not quite sure what I did to get him to fall in love with me, but it would be so much fun to go back and do it all over again!

As I consider my running list, I notice that the Big Days aren't jumping out at me. You know, graduations, and weddings and babies being born and all that. Those are truly wonderful memories. The best. But my wishful thinking always goes back to those random days...the little details that held so much joy for me. I realize they are mostly about family. Nothing about money or owning things, or collecting possessions. It makes me even more determined to be happy with who I am and where I am...content at the center of my own private universe.

Although, as far as possessions go...a time machine for my birthday would be rather nice!

My Cinderella

The sound of dishes clinking and clanking must be very distinctive. Every time I open the dishwasher, about 10 seconds later Caitlyn comes crawling into the kitchen at a break-neck speed. That girl just lives for the sound of an opening dishwasher. I only hope that when she's 12 she will still be fascinated with dishes. In the meantime, this is her favorite activity. I do make sure I take the steak knives out before indulging her. I'm a thoughtful mom like that.

Ties That Bind

I know people think I'm either crazy (or just unlucky with birth control) because I have two babies a year apart. But I LOVE the fact that my littlest girls are growing up so close in age. I've always said there's something about the relationship between sisters that is unlike anything else.

I grew up with 3 of them, you know. There was always someone to laugh with, to fight with, to boss around, to scheme with. There was always someone to listen to my deepest secrets. She probably told all my OTHER sisters, but I knew I could trust them too.

You can count on a sister. She will stand behind you or in front of you, whichever needed. She will lie, cheat or steal for you. She'll fight your battles. No matter how old you are, your sister will hold your hand and help you across the road. And she won't ever let go of your hand because sisterhood is a tie that binds.

I think one of the things that made my sisters and I closer growing up is that, because there were so many of us, sharing bedrooms was kind of a necessity. We usually slept in the same bed too. Yes, we fought like spitting cats. YES, they sometimes drove me bug-shit. They were in my stuff all the time. All. The. Time! It sometimes got ugly and usually got messy. But, you know... life can often be ugly and messy. We learned to rise above it and cooperate and compromise, and just plain get along.

I'm a big believer in sisters sharing a bedroom. Even when they're older, even when there are more rooms in the house. There's just something about living that closely with another person that makes you feel connected. For better or worse. You don't see much of that anymore, though. Even babies and toddlers seem to have their own rooms nowadays. I find that very sad, to have such a lonely existence.

So Jaden and Caitlyn share a room. It's a tight squeeze, true. And we have to live with the fact that they usually wake each other up. I have been woken up many mornings by baby giggles and screams...Caitlyn bouncing up and down in the crib, and Jaden tossing her random toys and other objects. One morning I heard Caitlyn crying very early, and when I got to their room, I found Jaden halfway over the side of the crib, rubbing the top of Catie's head and telling her, "You okay, Honey. You okay." That really stuck with me. It makes me imagine how they will be together growing up. I imagine them years from now, Caitlyn crying over boy troubles while Jaden hugs her and tells her it will be okay, Honey.

Putting them to bed together can be tricky, so we will often lay Caitlyn down in the Pack and Play in our bedroom, and move her to the crib after both girls are asleep. I have heard them talking through the shared wall before drifting off, though. Last night I found them in mirror positions, Catie in our room and Jaden in her bed. They were each sleeping facing the wall, with an arm resting against it in the exact same spot. If there was no wall, they'd have been holding hands.

Was it a coincidence? Or was it more? My heart would like to believe that it's sister love. I think Catie was fussing, and Jaden was whispering through the wall..."It's okay, Honey. You okay."

My Own Private Universe

"I am the center of my own Private Universe" This is how I often describe my life.

Every person has their own take on life, viewing it through their individual perspective. It is as personal and unique as all the experiences that have shaped that person into who they are now, and who they strive to become. Every person sits in the center of their own private universe.

This is mine.