Secret Club

Today I was driving down the road on the way to the pediatrician's office. I pulled up to an intersection behind a very fancy-shmancy motorcycle. It was definitely a top of the line deal, and the two people riding it were decked out in some pricey looking leather.

As we began to drive through the intersection, another motorcycle came toward us from the opposite direction. This driver was older, a little careworn, and driving an impressive looking Harley...rumbling and very low to the ground.

The two drivers and their bikes could not have been more different. Yet when they passed each other on the road, almost simultaneously, they each lifted a hand to wave. I thought to myself, how interesting that they both knew to do that. I guess when you ride bikes, no matter your lifestyle, you are in a secret club. A bike-riding society that only other bike owners can understand or join.

Later in the doctor's office I sat holding Caitlyn who was looking around with teary eyes. The mom next to me smiled at her and raised an eyebrow at me. "Shots," I told her. She gave us a sympathetic look and hitched her own baby higher on her hip.

I realized then...I have a secret club too. One of the best secret clubs. Membership is lifelong. The rewards are priceless, and once you're in... you are really IN.

Lights on the Inside

Last night we took the girls to see the Zoolights at the Phoenix Zoo. They really go all out and it's a pretty cool display. All the trees are lit along the pathways, with animal light sculptures here and there. You can see monkeys jumping in the trees, and elephants spraying water. They have a wide pathway where the tallest trees are lit with lights that blink to "The Carol of the Bells."

It was fun to bundle the girls up in their hats and mittens and meander along the paths listening Christmas music. The best part was seeing their shining faces and sparkling eyes as they gazed around. It's nice when we light up our world. But I think the real magic is when our world lights US up from within.

Peace

Every year at Christmas I buy myself a new ornament for my tree. My choice usually reflects whatever hobbies or styles I'm into at the time, or whatever big things might be going on in my life. Some are more significant than others, but each holds a memory for me...is a footprint in my life's path. Every so often somebody will admire a particular ornament and ask questions that I may or may not answer, depending. I usually downplay. Some things are held so close that they become too important to speak of aloud. I wanted to share my choice this year, though.

This year I chose a sapphire blue glass ball etched with a dove design around the center. I wasn't searching, but when I saw it I knew it was the one. It was the reflection of "me" this year. To me it symbolizes peace and tranquility, and that pretty much sums up my state of being right now. I feel happy and content just to be me...living my life in my own private universe. I feel at peace.

Guilty, Guilty......Sooooo Guilty!

People may be surprised to learn this about me, but I don't always choose the straight and narrow path with the girls. Nutrition, check. Evening routines, check. Treating my children as I expect them to treat others, check. Holding back their innovation and exuberance? Not so much.

Craig thinks I'm on board. And I am! Usually. But sometimes...I just see things in a different way. I admit I am prone to be a little lenient when I think my girls are being adorably naughty.

Yesterday Jaden climbed in the Jumparoo. Yes, we have told her not to. Yes, I should have stopped her. And yes....I did see her trying to climb in out of the corner of my eye and turned away with a smile. In my defense, I didn't think she'd actually squeeze herself in that contraption! So anyway, I was right in the middle of snapping a few pics when Daddy came in and sternly told her to climb out. I rather guiltily tucked the camera behind my back and mumbled, "Oh, we didn't want her to climb in there?"

I have been caught doing this before. Last month, I spied Jaden climbing up to look out the window and since she seemed like she was surrounded by padding anyway, I thought, "What the hell?" Is it all that bad that I saw it as a photo op, really??

I don't know. I watch that girl like a hawk, and intervene when I know she's likely to get hurt. But I just love and admire her adventurous spirit. I don't really know how many "No, no Jadens" it would take before she stops, well... stops trying. I don't want to find out either.

Happy Birthday Jaden!!

Today marks another 365 days of tickle games, belly laughs, utensils thrown overboard, books read, bottom and nose wipings, "Elmo's Song", bootie dancin', ABC's, 1,2,3..timeout, upside down...boom!, lullabies, and "Eye-yuh-yoo!!"

Thank you, thank you, thank you, universe... for letting me see this day when so many mamas and babies don't make it this far.

Happy Birthday Jaden Michelle!

Christmas Trees and Menorahs

Both coexist in our living room now.
As do we.

Family "Fun"

I was leafing through my latest issue of Family Fun magazine and I'm having some serious Stay at Home Mommy envy here. I do believe Disney created this entire magazine just to screw with me. Just to taunt me with the idea that, with enough effort, I too can be Supermom of the neighborhood. My home can be filled with the smells of gingerbread and spiced oranges. I can snap those photos of MY kids making thumbprint reindeer and marshmallow snowmen ornaments. Family Fun is chock full of recipes, crafts, and social gathering extravaganza ideas.

Back to reality. In my house, Jaden would shove the cloves up her nose and Caitlyn would eat the snowman glitter sparkles. Christian would gleefully use a black Sharpie to design a Nightmare Before Christmas ornament and place it front and center among my crystal treasures. I suppose Kharli would have some fun making cookies, though. I'll need to pick up a tube of slice and bake sugar cookie dough. And should I choose to video this Family Funfest, I feel quite certain that Craig will either burp or fart in the background.

I'm sure there's something in there for us though. As we count down to the holidays I will turn to my December issue for inspiration. Too bad the only time I have to read it is in the bathroom while toddler fingers wiggle under the door.

The "Scare You Into Not Eating" Diet

I am feeling way too oogied-out lately about eating meat, poultry and dairy. I used to live in a happy little bubble and then I came across a book I never should have read. It's a diet book, and from what I see it really works. It works because the authors scare the bejesus out of women by telling them not only what is IN the food they eat, but how that food is processed. Worked for me, dang-it. And I don't want to be a vegetarian. I love cows. *sigh* Anyhow, I think for the whole weight loss idea to work, you are not supposed to supplant the meat and dairy with pecan pie. So I'm totally screwed here.

Giving Thanks

Today I was thinking that I have a lot to be thankful about.

I have two happy, healthy babies. They are smart, they're beautiful, and they have sweet temperaments. They light up my existence.

I have nice older kids. They are just good, NICE kids. They try to do the right thing, they are compassionate, and they care about their world and the people in it. Their drugs of choice are caffeine, reading, and cell phones. When they're truly out there on their own, I'll be proud for people to know I raised them.

I have a husband I love...a friend and partner to share my life with. He gets who I am and (get this) likes me anyway. Sometimes I think he's nuts for not running for the hills. But he doesn't. And if he ever did, he'd do it while holding my hand and helping me over the rocky parts.

I have a family I can count on. I might not see them or speak to them every day, but they love me and are there. "Being there" is a family trait that is underrated, in my opinion.

I'm healthy, and that's nothing to shake a stick at. I have eyes that see, ears that hear, and feet that walk. My lungs work, my heart works, my brain works. If my complexion is the worst of my problems, I've got it made.

We don't have a lot of extras, but my family has been able to make 12 months of house and car payments since this time last year. We have food in our pantry and gas in our cars. We go out to dinner and shows once in a while. If I feel like buying a book or a pair of shoes or even a Starbucks coffee, I can. That's a big deal to me, since there's been quite a few periods of my life when I haven't been able to do those things without a certain amount of stress.

I have a job that, while exhausting, fulfills me and allows me to support my family. I have the pleasure of giving back to our world in a way that brings me joy.

Yeah, every once in awhile I might envy certain friends and family a little. Sometimes I get down and wish for more than I have...sometimes. But then I think about all I've got here in my own little universe. I'm happy and content, and I love my life. And I'm grateful to be so blessed.

What's wrong with me? Geez!

I yelled at Craig today because I was stressed out about something very minor and stupid. What's up with that? I love him more than anything. Why do we always dump on the people closest to us, just because they happen to be the first face we see when we're upset? So, I wrote"we" a lot, but I really mean "me", I guess. I really need to be more conscientious of this female tendency which I just happen to indulge in once in awhile. Sorry, honey.

The Nursery Set

Fisher Price Little People. Does this take you back or what? When I came across the vintage Little People toys on ebay I had trouble containing myself. I was browsing for several minutes before I realized I was actually crying AND talking to myself. It was the slam of memories flooding my head and heart that took me by surprise. There they were...the Tudor house, the nursery school, the barn with silo! Cows, dogs, planes and tricycles. Lounge chairs, gas pumps, school bus. Here were all these treasures of my childhood. I see them and remember clothing I wore, the color of our carpet, the smells of my mom's cooking. I hear my sisters' chitter chatter. Isn't it amazing how the sight of a little plastic baby sitting in her stroller opened the door to dreams and adventures I haven't thought of in 30 years?

So, I bought this set to put in Jaden's Christmas stocking this year. I know she's too little to really play with them. I know she may end up leaving them at the bottom of her toybox. I guess what I am really doing is giving her another piece of my heart. And who wouldn't want that for Christmas?

Arizona Iced Tea

So I went to the grocery store today. Biggo shopping, the kind where I go around and ask everyone what they want me to pick up. Kharli used to live for big shopping day. I ask Craig what he wants and he says, "Uhhhh....I dunno". I ask Christian and he says, "Uhh...(insert one strange food item here)". I would ask Kharli and she'd either rattle off a list or just take over the pen herself.

Shopping day is different now. I walk up and down the aisles and see all the things Kharli used to ask for. Arizona iced tea. Starbucks frappaccinos. Peanut butter Ritz bits. Dreyers slow churned ice-cream. Chips and green onion dip. Instant oatmeal. Dr. Pepper in cans. I see all these items and my arm sometimes reaches out to grab one, then I remember and I put it back.

I know it's not like my child is GONE. But my child is gone. She's out there, waking up in a different house, walking into a different kitchen and making some instant oatmeal that my hand didn't place in a shopping cart for her.

I bought an Arizona iced tea today. I don't know why. I don't even like it.

Halloween.....kinda

Halloween is just the coolest, most underrated holiday ever. I LOVE that one day a year I can transform myself into whoever I want, introduce myself to countless strangers, and eat thousands of calories of candy I didn't pay for. It's just icing that this all happens in the dark. I can't wait until the little girls are old enough.

In the meantime, this was our Schwab family version of Halloween. Jaden dressed for school and had a sort of cookie party with the other almost-two-year-olds. Jaden loved that her costume came with SHOES. Shoes with velcro, no less. Caitlyn dressed to please the Mamarazzi. Her costume inhibited her budding crawling skills, but she was a good sport. Craig indulged me, but I think calling the girls "Jadie-bug" and "Catie-bug" was a tad too precious for him. Kharli and Christian actually had places to go and people to see. Maybe we will all Trick-or-Treat next year!

Here's Caitlyn...

And Jaden...And Caitlyn again...

Scream and Laugh really Hard Until You Can't Breathe Anymore

That seems to be the name of the girls' favorite game. They didn't exactly tell me, though.

Dinnertime

Last night we met an old friend of Craig's for dinner. We ended up going to the Rainforest Cafe'. We are so lucky that the girls are the "going out" type of kids. Even when they're not surrounded by trumpeting elephants and cheetahs swishing their tails, they are very well behaved. Jaden used the crayons for actual coloring and only ate a couple things from the floor. Here's Caitlyn eating her dinner. She dined on stuffed leg of lion. I heard tell it was quite yummy.

The Napping Hour

What a peaceful time. Both girls are down, Craig is off doing boy things, and I'm alone in the quiet. Here and there the floor is littered with the relics of happy babies playing. My fresh pot of coffee has just finished brewing, and it smells delicious. Come to think of it, everything about the Napping Hour is delicious.

Toddlers!

Jaden has joined some freak ass cult. They speak in tongues and writhe on the ground screaming when you look at them. Today Jaden smiled sweetly at me, then bit me! I love her greatly but...OMG I hope we get through this stage in one piece.

Another Last "First"

Caitlyn has a tooth! It broke through last weekend. I was holding and rocking her today and I realized, this will be the last time I feel my baby's first tooth. Something inside me became so sad thinking of all the "lasts" to come. Someday, I will rock my baby for the last time. And when I do, I won't realize it's the last time. And I will never get to have another go-around. This is it. Some people seem to rush through life always wishing for that next thing they're anticipating. Not me. I savor every single moment as if it will be the last I ever have. Because...sometimes it really is :(

Feed me!

Here's our Chunka-Lunka having her first rice cereal. She chowed down! There's not a whole lotta calories in rice cereal....I hope :)

Christian

For Christian, on his 18th birthday.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that you are actually an "Adult". Everyone always said I babied you too much, and maybe it was true a little. Of all my children, you have been the one I was so tender-hearted with. I'm so glad you are in the world.

18 Ways You Have Enriched My Life

Because of you, I spent hundreds of hours sitting in a rocking chair.
Because of you, I learned to point a little boy's "you know" downward during diaper changes.
Because of you, I am as schooled as a pediatrician on how to diagnose and treat ear infections.
Because of you, I found my Lullaby Voice and used it A LOT.
Because of you, I know how to be patient toward children whom others call "hyper".
Because of you, I know ALL the words to "Moo, Baa, La La La" and "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom"
Because of you, I know how to make magic potions out of mud, leaves, twigs, and rocks.
Because of you, I know the many valuable uses of Legos and K-Nex.
Because of you, I have learned to care for hermit crabs, ball pythons, and bearded dragons.
Because of you, I realize the power of valuing and supporting a child's reading education.
Because of you, I understand that it's normal if intelligent kids have horrific spelling and handwriting.
Because of you, I have learned how to navigate a kid through middle and High school.
Because of you, I have been exposed to political ideas I wouldn't have thought of before.
Because of you, I have seen kindness, compassion, and empathy in countless ways.
Because of you, I learned to appreciate people for who they are, instead of trying to change them.
Because of you, I have never had to worry about drugs, alcohol or violence the way some moms do.
Because of you, I have helped a little boy grow into a young man.
Because of you, I have led a richer, fuller, happier life.

Sisters

I'm so glad to see Kharli spending time with the little girls as much as she does. I think Kharli is Jaden's best friend. There really is a bond between sisters that is unlike any other. Sisters will always be there for each other. Sisters tell you the truth when you need to hear it, and know how to lie when you don't. Sometimes they grow in different directions or follow different paths in life, but their shared memories keep them close. Sisters are best friends for life. It looks like Kharli and Jaden figured this out already without any help from me :)

Waiting for Mommy

I guess when you're child number 4, you get used to waiting around for Mommy to notice you. Here's my happy girl the first time I checked on her....

Here she is 10 minutes later after I finished loading the dishwasher...

And finally, here's how I found her after brewing a pot of coffee.

I guess she wore herself out waiting for me to come play. *sigh* I owe you some serious cuddle time tomorrow, Caitlyn.

Sick

I'm so sick. I have super-resistant powers (muah-ah-ah) and I usually fight off every evil germ that dares to attack me. During these last two weeks, however, I have been SURROUNDED by germy children whose parents won't keep them home! My spray can of Lysol and my natural resistance were no match this time. And I think I must have infected the girls because Jaden's nose has been running a mile a minute, and Caitlyn has a double ear infection. Being sick is so tough on babies. It's no picnic for me either.

Sleepy?

I will never ever go against the bedtime routine again! Caitlyn crashed at 6 and we left her. BIG mistake. Now I'm up at 2am with a happy, playing baby. She's over getting tired in the Jump-A-Roo, though. Maybe she's done. I see a head bob. She doesn't look too sleepy, though!

Mondays....ugh.

We've been back to work one week and I'm tired of being a working mama already. We were at school a little extra long today and didn't sign out the girls until after 5:00. These are the days I hate. To pick up my baby and know she might not be the LAST one there, but she is one of the last. Alone in the swing, wondering if Mommy is EVER coming. Do babies really wonder those things? I don' t know, but that's what my guilty mind imagines. When I come to get her she absolutely can't take her eyes off of me, and how she smiles and smiles! I realize I'm the shining sun in the center of her universe and for her, this day has been one long eclipse. We finally get home in time for a quick dinner, a bath and then it's bedtime. Daycare raised my baby today. Mondays suck.

A thing for Elmo

Jaden has not seen Sesame Street yet, but boy...does she have a thing for Elmo! She has several Sesame books, and Elmo is her favorite character. Personally, I would have thought a one-year-old wouldn't be likely to fall in love with a googly-eyed, red haired monster. But what do I know?

Yesterday we were browsing the book section of our local consignment shop. I saw Elmo standing on that shelf, but it didn't really click with me that he might catch Jaden's eye too. Just as we were rounding the corner to leave, she saw him. Her face lit up, as if she couldn't actually believe her eyes. Could it really be? She whispered "Elmo?" Then cried, Elmo, Elmo, Elmo!!"

I pulled him down from the shelf and handed him to Jaden. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I'll just let her carry him around awhile, and then we'll say good-bye and leave." It's a strategy that works about 80% of the time. This time I completely underestimated my child's affections. When I handed him to Jaden, she gathered him in her arms as if she were hugging a long lost friend. She cradled his furry face in both her hands. She kissed him over and over. She sat him in the cart next to her, and put her arm around the shoulders of her buddy. I saw the sweetest, most tender expression full of true love on her face. I signed with resignation. It didn't really matter what his foot tag said.

Elmo lives at our house now. Someday, Jaden will learn you can't really put a price on love and friendship, and that the most important things in life have a value that's immeasurable. Yesterday, however, love's price tag was only 4.99+ tax. That's not too shabby.

Super mommy

How can I be soooooo tired and still want to play with my girls? This has been a really draining week, yet here I am on Saturday afternoon rolling around on the floor playing tickle games. I think mommies must have secret reserve powers. There is a never-ending well of love, energy, and spirit inside me when I need to draw on it. In all the time I've been making withdrawals, I have never overdrawn. I am never, ever empty.

My happy little love child

Caitlyn...It's amazing how happy I can make you by just smiling. I don't have to be beautiful, intelligent, or impress you with my winning personality. Thankfully, you love me anyway. You are the only human in my universe whose face lights up every single time you see me. I'm lucky to be your mommy.