Regret

I know a woman who spends a great deal of time torn up by things she regrets, and this keeps her from living a happy, peaceful life.  When I stop to think about it, I think a lot of people really wish they could have a handful of do-overs.

I've never been that kind of person.  I regret very, very few things in my life.  Yeah, I've screwed some things up along the way, and my life sure hasn't been perfect.  But I think that my mistakes and choices have made me who I am.   I've learned from all my experiences, and along the way have turned into a person I really like.  So if I could have a do-over, it wouldn't be spent on fixing any of my choices, or correcting any of my big mistakes.  But there IS something I did that I would take back if I could.

When I was in high school, I broke up with my best friend.  We were really close friends and had been for years.  She knew me in ways that my other friends didn't, and had always been good to me.  But as we were nearing the end of our freshman year, I had finally figured out that she wasn't really that cool in the eyes of the other people I wanted to like me. 

I didn't even discuss it with her.  I cowardly sent her a note in science class, and watched her face crumple, and then her eyes tear as she read my note ending our friendship. I wasn't gleeful. I didn't intend to be mean.  I just wanted out.  So I left her, and she was alone. 

She went on, living her life and eventually found other friends to spend time with.  But I think what I did damaged her.  Being a teenager in high school is painful enough without having your best friend dump you.  For a long, long time I'd catch her looking at me from across a room with this barely concealed hurt written on her face.

I guess compared to other stories, mine seems small.  It was a defining moment for me, though.   It was the first and only time I ever treated somebody meanly for shallow reasons.  

About this situation I am deeply ashamed, but I can't undo it.  I wish I could talk to the confused fifteen-year-old girl I once was,  and tell her all I've learned about what is important about friendship and life, but I can't.  I wish so much that I could go back and undo this cruel thing.  But I can't.

What I CAN do, is try to be a better person now.   Really, isn't that all anyone can do?