Tomorrows

Having young children makes me consider my own mortality a lot more than I used to.  I am not a paranoid person, or one given to irrational hysteria.  I'm not afraid of many things, actually.  But sometimes I wonder... am I developing a not-so-healthy fear of dying?  I worry about driving in the car. I worry a lot about falling down the stairs. I think about aneurysms and cancers and pneumonia. If I'm being honest, that was really the only reason I actually got my mammogram.

I'm not scared of dying, exactly. I'm not scared for my sake.  I'm afraid of leaving my little ones motherless.    For me, this is the scariest part about raising really young children.  Because we bring these little people into the world.  Everything that they are, and everything they will become is in our hands.  But...what if my hands weren't here? That's truly where all the anxiety comes from.

They would have their dad, of course, and he's a wonderful dad.  He's thoughtful and gentle, and has a special relationship with each of them.  So I know they'd grow up happy and loved. 

But still.   Mothers...well they're just irreplaceable, you know?  Who would teach my girls how to tame their curly hair, and match their clothes, and make sure their nails were trimmed?  Who would teach them how to wear make-up, and how to talk to boys, and how to be brave and stand up to mean girls? Who would help them choose their wedding gowns and bathe their newborns?   These are not the jobs of a father.

I can't even imagine leaving my girls to grow up on this earth without me.  When I try to picture it, I can't even breathe. What if something happened to me now? They would have NO memory of me. They wouldn't think of me with love, or miss me...because they wouldn't ever remember me.

If I disappeared, how would they ever know how much I love them? How would they ever know what they mean to me? A couple years of pictures,  half empty baby books,  and a few cutesy mom blogs...that's all I'd leave behind.

I have to be careful. I cannot let anything happen to myself. I have to be so, so careful.

And I need to live these early days with them completely.  I should not save things for tomorrow or put experiences off for a better or easier age.  They deserve the best of me now, not tomorrow.  My universe gave me these beautiful children and no guarantees about how many tomorrows I will see.  What if now is all I will have?