My Elephant in the Room

Well, it's been 3 weeks and even though I still can't talk about it aloud, I think I can tell the story now.  It usually makes me feel better to write about things when they bother me, but sadly, this time I don't think I'll feel better.  I predict that shooting this elephant will only make me feel like crap, and you too, probably.

Jaden fell in the pool at a family barbecue over labor day weekend.  Maybe you know this story by now, or know the euphemized version anyway?  It's not a nice story.

We had a big family party at Jacque's house.   Grown-ups were milling about, teens were lounging, and all the kids were jumping in and out of the pool. The only two who can't swim yet are the youngest...mine.  So they still wear floaties and require constant supervision.   

Craig was sitting with Caitlyn while she ate, and I was in the kitchen talking to Jaden at the door.  She had her floaties off and I didn't want her running around outside without me, so I was on my way outside.  Then one of my sisters asked me a question so I turned away to talk to her.  I turned away.  It was my fault.

A minute later I heard  Melody screaming, "Get the baby, get the baby!"  I spun around in horror, knowing what I would see through the glass door before I even saw it.  There she was... fully clothed beneath the surface, flailing her arms and kicking with all her might, but sinking down quickly. 

The pool was surrounded by people in and out of the water, but nobody was trying to get her out, because nobody even realized she'd fallen in.  It was that quick.  Kharli's friend Carolina actually did see the fall, but she thought Jaden could swim and had jumped.  She didn't realize Jaden was drowning before her eyes.  Nobody did.

I don't remember running around to the far end of the pool, and I don't remember seeing Craig jump into the water to get her.  She had been pulled out by then by Carolina, who heard Melody's scream.  I do remember Craig and I both hugging our coughing, sputtering little girl and staring into each other's eyes with a mixture of terrified relief.

I have always been hyper-vigilant about watching over my kids, to the point of being considered over-protective.  So what was I thinking to turn my back and walk away from her?  I guess I was thinking that everyone knows she's not a swimmer, and that she was surrounded by family.

In my family, we have a "village" view when it comes to kids.  Everyone watches out for everyone.  So I guess I thought if Jaden wandered near the pool, her closest aunt would tell her to come away.  That's what the village members do, right?  Except maybe being in a large crowd is actually more dangerous, because everyone thinks that everyone else is paying attention.   Maybe sometimes having a village leads to a false sense of security.

The scariest thing, the "what if" that really haunts me, is that if Melody hadn't seen her fall in, nobody would have known.  What if she hadn't come that day?  What if she hadn't looked up at just the right moment?  Then I would have been chatting with my sister about tile floors while Jaden drowned in the pool 20 feet away.

Not that I blame anybody but myself.  It was my fault, mine alone.  I was the one who was supposed to be watching her.   I've been told that afterward I sat, white as a ghost, hugging my child for a long time and staring off at nothing.  I kind of remember people talking to me, but I couldn't tell you what they said.  I just kept thinking about how close we came to losing her because I looked away. 

Years ago, I saw a little puppy run out into the street and get hit by the car in front of me.  The scene didn't look how I expected it to.  I expected to drive up and see a puppy lying in the road.  What I saw was that scared, hurt little puppy kicking her back legs wildly as she died right there in front of my eyes.  For years the memory of that poor puppy kicking as she died was burned into my mind.

That's what I thought of when I saw Jaden sinking down in a flash of bright blue sundress, kicking wildly even as the water swallowed her last tendril of floating hair.  I will never forget that image.  When I have nightmares about this day, that's what I see.

Jaden is fine.  People tell me over and over, Jaden is fine.  Still...I shoved that blue sundress to the bottom of the laundry hamper.  I can't look at it without feeling sick.  I hate it now.  And sometimes I hate myself too.

That's where I am right now, and why I can't talk about this.  If anyone wants to comment here, okay.  But if you see me, please don't talk to me about this.  As much as I appreciate your intentions, I will change the subject.  I just can't.  The elephant might be dying, but it hasn't closed it's eyes yet.